Saturday, May 31, 2008

Fuckin' A

Long fucking time since I've done this. I'm playing poker as the sun comes up. I actually play my best in this state. Sad but true. At least I get to listen to a lot of good music. I am best in this fugue state between smart decisions and sobriety. It sucks being a drunk who only drinks 3 nights a week.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Venture Bros



This shit is the bomb diggity if you haven't checked it out yet. If anybody out there in intarwebland wants to buy me a gift I would love a subscription.

Throw me the idol!

I saw the Indiana Jones movie over the weekend like any self respecting male of my generation. Not that I really have self respect, I just like action movies. I have to say that going to the drive in theater really helps action movies.

One of LB's friends was having this joint birthday party thing so it seemed like a good idea. About twenty of us descended upon the center of the lot and took up eight primo parking spots, including one in the middle to set up the grills and food tables. The key to doing this is showing up as soon as they open the lots and putting chairs in spots for the stragglers.

Once the grills are set up it is immediately time to contradict both the no alcohol and no glass bottles policies. Two hours of drinking and consuming cased meat products are a wonderful way to prepare for a movie.

Of course this means by the time the sun goes down and the movie is starting I am on the backup beer (a lesser brew once taste is no longer an issue) and in the mood to sit for a spell. I was in the perfect state of mind to enjoy the action packed beginning of the movie and it really helped suspend disbelief for the batshit crazy parts of the movie that started around the 30 minute mark. I was going to throw in some of my criticisms that even a baker's dozen of beers couldn't keep me from calling shenanigans, but I'll leave the spoilers to those who do it better.

All in all I would recommend this movie as long as you have at least ten beers on hand. It gets really enjoyable around beer fourteen. The only problem is walking over to the lavatory and seeing Drillbit Taylor (and later Baby Momma) playing on the screen opposite during the entire walk.

And all in all I would recommend the drive in as long as you have at least twelve beers on hand. Or at least seventeen for anything starring Ben Stiller (preferably you have full on narcotics if you plan on actually enjoying it). The only drawbacks are finding a DD and the mouthbreathing masses that surround you (e.g. the kind of people who have such class as to change their child's diaper in the bathroom and just leave the dirty one on the floor).

The ANTA crew should probably find a movie to roll over and check it out sometime. There is the 5th annual Rock N' Roll Monster Bash going on June 1st. They will be showing Godzilla vs. MechaGodzilla and The Werewolf vs. Vampire Women. It should be an interesting time.

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Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Bleargh

Rice cake burps are more disgusting than they have any right to be considering they have no taste going down.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Motherdicker?

I'm texting Matt to wish him a happy 30th birthday and my blackberry (no caps, bitches) spellcheck function prompts motherdicker instead of motherfucker. I think I'm going to start using that term.

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Thursday, May 08, 2008

Arby's

For some reason Arby's has been coming up a lot lately. From the time I ate it before the regular season Hawks-Celtics game (I'm so hungry I could eat Arby's!) it just keeps coming up. I only eat fast food when I'm on vacation and broke that rule for the game. After that Arby's has been mentioned at least once a day in my life. I think this cartoon is the reason. Now Arby's can slip peacefully back out of my everyday consciousness.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

An Open Letter to Colgate-Palmolive



Dear Toothpaste Manufacturers,

What the fuck? I mean seriously. Have y'all lost your fucking minds? This has to be one of the worst things that I've ever voluntarily put in my mouth (and I've been to Mexico). Far worse, it is purported to be an agent for cleaning and removing offensive flavors.

Was your R&D Department on a sympathy strike with the Writers when this transgression against oral cavities everywhere was unleashed upon the world? This abortion of a product should have never hit shelves, especially my neighborhood Target.

I was in a hurry and knew that my designated toothpaste sharer (DTS) has a predilection for your line of tooth cleaning products with embedded breath strips. My arm was weighed down with 28 pounds of cat litter (carts are for pussies) and there were none of the usual "flavors" available.

I looked in vain for Fresh Mint, or Sparkling Mint, or even Gleamin' Mint but they were not to be found. All that was there was Kiss Me Mint. "Hey, how bad could it be?" I thought. "I know it is kind of purply-pink on the label, but it says mint." (Quick note about the picture: I was purchasing the tooth ablator in the more traditional tube form inside of a neutral colored box, not the garish packaging pictured above.)

I am myself a huge fan of mint. It is one of my favorite flavors. Give me a mojito and I'm a happy man. If I break my diet for a Blizzard (tm) it is a mint Heath one. I like mint, be it spearmint, peppermint, or even cooler ranch mint. If I could get away with it I would wear mint flavored cuff links.

So I grabbed the product off the shelf and took it home to be put into the morning and evening ablution rotation almost immediately as I was down to travel toothpaste tubes.

I had an evening of revelry with friends confident that when I needed to flush the morning after taste of PBR from my mouth I would have the proper tools. Imagine my surprise when getting ready for work the next morn when I crack the virgin tube open and the contents are of a fluorescent purple nature. I had thought that was just marketing on the label. I know of no naturally occurring purple mint variation.

Oh well, I had killed the travel tube last night and didn't want to head into my place of employment with mammoth breath. There are no words to describe the taste/sensation that followed. Bleargh! Some diabetes inducing berry concoction was on my Oral B. There was nothing mint about it. I would rather have something from the Palmolive branch of the company on my toothbrush. It tasted worse than hobo taint. Prison wine has a more refined and balanced flavor. It makes the original Listerine look like it was formulated by an oenologist.

Kiss Me Mint, my shiny metal ass. I will narrowly avoid saying Kiss My Ass Mint (or maybe I won't). There is nobody out there who would be drawn in by the allure of this smell for a game of tonsil hockey. Did y'all do any product testing whatsoever? Or did you just throw it in a cage of capuchin monkeys and see if they would eat it?

Is this product intended for human consumption at all? Perhaps it is some sort of James Bond type explosive hidden in plain sight. Maybe it hardens into a wonderful caulk if you add another chemical agent. It could be a great campaign to make Al Queda think that maybe Americans don't live such a great life.

Well, congratufuckinglations Colgate-Palmolive. You have successfully made a Gigli product. It is asstastic. Whomever decided this was a good idea should be forced to eat a five gallon bucket of this appalling concoction and chase it with a gallon of orange juice.


Regards and Fuck off,

Sham (Crest customer for life)

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Thursday, May 01, 2008

Now a link site!

Well, it just seems that way I guess.

Anybody else think JK Rowling is a crazy bitch? Thanks for putting your hand in the air Orson. It's kind of funny that every respected author that I've seen put out an opinion on the situation pretty much thinks she is batshit.