Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Get off my lawn!

Well, the era is over. I have officially joined the ranks of the aged with all you other fucks and turned 30 today. You suck and now by extension I suck as well. Thanks, bitches.

Not that I regard 30 as a big milestone. It's not like I planned on having a wife and kids at this age. Quite the opposite. I formed a theory in high school that most marriages of people under 30 end up in divorce. Not that I used a large sample size, just the families of my friends (let us just take on faith that I am capable of having friends) and my own family.

Of course in this modern age divorce is almost as likely as somebody choosing the color of their Jetta to be silver (really, did anybody buy a different color Jetta in the past 5 years?). Of course, it is not like I've been interested in marriage anyway. I don't think I have the temperament to deal with another person for that long. My one cohabitation experiment didn't turn out that well.

Plus, the only person who wants me to have kids less than myself is every fucking other person on this mudball (excluding my parents). The last thing we need is more sociopathic snark-wielding anklebiters roaming our fair cities.

It's like I always tell Kuro, if I had a wife and kids I would be out in the fucking 'burbs with the rest of the bitches who gave up on life. I'm not ready to let my last vestiges of "cool" and "hip" slip through my fingers (yes, I know that statement [especially with the quotation marks] pretty much lines my coolness up against a wall and puts it out of its misery). I like the city life. Okay, I just like having 20 plus bars within walking distance. Don't judge me, fuckshovel.

Yes, the 'burbs do have very nice things. Like disc golf courses that you don't have to drive 20 minutes to get to. A movie starring Tom Hanks. MILFs (we just have to settle for young, childless hotties in the city).

Oh well, I'll stick to midtown. The surfeit of non-chain eateries and bars with cheap booze will just have to keep me happy. I plan to hit some of those on the 7th annual Sham's 30th Birthday Pub Crawl on Saturday. I'll have to look into getting shirts made next year.

Let's recap:
Wife: NO
Children: NO
Homeownership: NO
Hopes and dreams: We'll put this one down as a maybe
Absolute freedom: YES

Well, it's time to go have some beer. I'm out of here.


Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Ah, melanin.

Dateline Butt Fucking Egypt: Actually I'm in Crossville, TN but we are close enough. Middle of fucking nowhere but goddamn is it fucking beautiful. I'm on vacation this week and needed to get the fuck out of the ANTA.

The original plan was to rent a cabin up near Helen, GA but unforeseen circumstances (e.g. fucking car breaking down) made that plan infeasible. I was just going to enjoy a stay-cation (excuse me for that fucking lame as shit expression) and do the tourist shit I've never done in the ANTA (e.g. aquarium). However, my father called and needed some help with painting his cabin.

That's right. Cabin. An actual log fucking cabin. He's had it for about three years and didn't feel safe at the top of the ladder painting the chinking while standing on the second to top step. He turned 66 last week so I sure as hell don't blame him.

Fuck, for the price of two tanks of gas (saw it for 3.53! [fuck! why is 3.53 a good price?]) I get to have my vacation. Also got to peruse the worlds' largest yard sale.

I also get to make use of the pool. It isn't near as hot as it is in the ANTA but it feels really good to take a swim in the middle of the day. Or the night, as I've done every night.

The only problem with this trip is the horrible sunburn I happened to pick up today. Not yesterday while roaming between roving bands of toothless rednecks in the world's largest yardsale in the full fury of Sol followed by a dip in the pool. Oh no, it's not that easy. I got it today while caulking and painting in the shade for 1.5 hours.

Now my forearms and the backs of my knees (!?) are a bright shade of crimson. My face, neck, and ears are also affected to a smaller degree. Fuck it, I'm actually having a good vacation. I never went up to my father's cabin before and it is nice to finally know where it is (especially considering I will most likely inherit it).

It is a great retreat 3+ hours from the ANTA. It may sound like a long drive but it is very breathtaking once you get into Tennessee. I've taken a daytrip here and just wished the entire driving time here that I had a sports car. Preferably a convertible so I could get the full enjoyment out of the scenery.

I will mos def be taking more trips up here now that I've seen it with my own eyes. If you're lucky I'll invite you up with me.