Get off my lawn!

Well, the era is over. I have officially joined the ranks of the aged with all you other fucks and turned 30 today. You suck and now by extension I suck as well. Thanks, bitches.

Not that I regard 30 as a big milestone. It's not like I planned on having a wife and kids at this age. Quite the opposite. I formed a theory in high school that most marriages of people under 30 end up in divorce. Not that I used a large sample size, just the families of my friends (let us just take on faith that I am capable of having friends) and my own family.

Of course in this modern age divorce is almost as likely as somebody choosing the color of their Jetta to be silver (really, did anybody buy a different color Jetta in the past 5 years?). Of course, it is not like I've been interested in marriage anyway. I don't think I have the temperament to deal with another person for that long. My one cohabitation experiment didn't turn out that well.

Plus, the only person who wants me to have kids less than myself is every fucking other person on this mudball (excluding my parents). The last thing we need is more sociopathic snark-wielding anklebiters roaming our fair cities.

It's like I always tell Kuro, if I had a wife and kids I would be out in the fucking 'burbs with the rest of the bitches who gave up on life. I'm not ready to let my last vestiges of "cool" and "hip" slip through my fingers (yes, I know that statement [especially with the quotation marks] pretty much lines my coolness up against a wall and puts it out of its misery). I like the city life. Okay, I just like having 20 plus bars within walking distance. Don't judge me, fuckshovel.

Yes, the 'burbs do have very nice things. Like disc golf courses that you don't have to drive 20 minutes to get to. A movie starring Tom Hanks. MILFs (we just have to settle for young, childless hotties in the city).

Oh well, I'll stick to midtown. The surfeit of non-chain eateries and bars with cheap booze will just have to keep me happy. I plan to hit some of those on the 7th annual Sham's 30th Birthday Pub Crawl on Saturday. I'll have to look into getting shirts made next year.

Let's recap:
Wife: NO
Children: NO
Homeownership: NO
Hopes and dreams: We'll put this one down as a maybe
Absolute freedom: YES

Well, it's time to go have some beer. I'm out of here.