In the Sham Seat

You know what day it is

2009-03-14T14:20:00.002-04:00

If you don't, you better ask somebody.

[Edit: To those of you who were thinking Pi day please get out of the house (your mother's basement) more.]

Read this

2009-03-03T15:22:00.002-05:00

Amazing profile of David Foster Wallace. The pain of genius that I will never know and am glad that this is the case. The tradeoff just isn't worth it.

[H/T Will Leitch @ deadspin]

It's a valid question

2009-01-29T20:32:00.000-05:00

Baaaa! Baaaa!

2009-01-27T01:54:00.002-05:00

I put up a good fight but ending up losing. Acting upon a discussion at The Highlander before viewing The Wrestler this past weekend I signed up for Twitter. I'm not sure how all this shit works but I promise to be delivering the best scat derivative prose my juvenile mind can come up with. Or more likely I'll forget about the whole thing. Either way my handle is halsbowels.

I always wondered about this

2009-01-23T14:26:00.001-05:00

An Open Letter from Doc Brown to Marty McFly

Too bad he didn't tackle the bullshit that cocksocket pulled in Spin City.

A drink needs me

2009-01-14T20:22:00.002-05:00

I'm not fucking kidding. Why is the ratio of employees who tell me what they can't do to the ones who tell me what they can do 15:1? Why do they wait until I can't get them help to tell me they need help?

/end rant

Of course, starting late March I will be responsible for 45 more people. I've worked with half of them in the past. A decent fraction of those are competent. This ought to be interesting.

And yes, that is a fitting return to this quiet corner of the intarwebs for me. Straight up bitching. And cajoling for alcohol.

Away Game

2008-11-28T20:23:00.003-05:00

Much like Gnome did recently, I played at a new home game. LB and I were stopping by a party that her coworkers were throwing and there just happened to be a poker game going on. Playing in the game was a woman I had met the night before and upon learning she played the game and would be traveling to Vegas I lent her my battered copy of Small Stakes Hold 'Em (now with bonus book review by Dr. Pauly). She invited me to take a seat, and I happily complied.

It was an interesting situation. Most of the people at the party were Icelandic folk celebrating Thanksgiving. Everybody at the table but myself was from Iceland (well, there was an Aussie who lost 3 buy-ins and was gone quickly). Great people who are a lot of fun to hang out with. Especially if the card sharks at the table were the ones who had been playing for "almost a year".

It was .25/.50 NLHE with a $10 buy-in. What did I care, I was just there for a laugh and free beer. I played a straightforward TAG style, showing almost every hand when I didn't get a call. I went to four showdowns all night and won every time, even though the first was a suckout. I just wanted to show an uncomplicated playing style and get invited back when there might be real money at stake.

It was a min-raise fest. One would expect a pushfest with the stack to blind ratio, but soon there was enough money on the table that there was actually room for postflop play. Not that it mattered at this table. If somebody put out a slight overbet they were bluffing, and if they massively overbet they had you beat. And a 1/10 pot size bet was normally a highcard hand.

LB had initially only wanted to stay 30 minutes but we stayed there about 3 hours. I told her we could leave whenever she wanted to go. But every time she came and checked on me she said she could wait for me to get my money back. The only problem was that I was up from my second hand of the night and never looked back. She finally declared we were leaving at midnight. I was fine with that.

I ended up the night plus nine buy-ins. I felt like a jackass because most of the kitty was IOUs since all these people work together, and the host insisted on giving me all cash (85% of cash available, when I had 45% of money on table). I would have been happy with just my buy-in back, but will deal with having drinking mobneys for the weekend.

In the end, it was a great time hanging out with these Icelandic people. It was especially nice that they were celebrating an American holiday with as much force as they could muster. LB's corporate Viking overlords are interesting people and my only regret was not drinking enough. I might have to start attending her company outings. If only I didn't work nights.

Damn

2008-11-07T18:55:00.002-05:00

For some reason this is the funniest thing I've seen all week.

[h/t With Leather]

Oh, and politics. What the fuck is wrong with people in Cali and the gay marriage ban? Seriously, of all the states with that on the ballot this year I expected them to get it right. And I fuck hate Cali. Use your liberalism for something good you stupid fucks. Stop these stupid lawsuits that fuck with my company's policies and use your liberal douchebaggery for actual liberties.

Oh, and fuck you Obama supporters as well. I'm coming home from work on Tuesday and first notice something amiss when I leave the Publix to head to my house. The normally deserted streets have cars parked on both sides as far as the eyes can see.

Then I get to my parking lot and cars are everywhere. No spots even in the gravel lots. I end up parking in a non-space for my first time in six years. As I'm getting out of my car I notice a guy in my parking lot that used to work with Gnome and Kuro.

"Yo, SS! What the fuck are you doing in my fucking parking lot and I can't find a fucking parking space?! You haven't fucking lived here in four years!"

Turns out Manuel's was having a huge party. The back parking lot had been roped off and they brought out TVs and were serving beer outside. I chatted with SS about the election for a minute (Really, how the fuck do you vote for McCain and then Martin? I'm talking ideological differences, not the fact that Martin is a gargles cocksnot, the fucking doucheweasel. Really, Martin needs to fucking die. His campaign commercials pissed me off more that Toyota's Saved by Zero shit. Eat a bag of dicks, Martin.) and then sent him back to refill the empty beer glass he was carrying.

I didn't have to be watching CNN to know when they called it for Obama. The hue and cry went up with much screaming. OK, cool, it's only 2300 and I'm not going to sleep for a while. The first hour it was no big deal. After the initial eruption died down every five minutes it would start again, now punctuated with car horns and fireworks.

Now, I went to bed the night before at 0230 and slept most fitfully until awaking at 0615 to go vote. I wanted to go to bed "early" and catch up on my sleep. I'm pretty fucking tired. I want to lay down with my eight feather pillows and drift off to dreamland because I need to get up early to check out various eyecare establishments in the morning.

However, there is a small problem here. These fucking bitches won't fucking stop the ruckus. Every five to ten minutes more honking, which starts more cheering. The fireworks are interspersed as well. I almost considered a noise complaint, but I'm pretty sure the people in charge of law enforcement were probably in attendance.

I don't think it stopped until 0400. I'm not sure because me head was buried under my mountain of pillows instead of on top, where it belongs. So two nights in a row I get no fucking sleep. You can imagine how pleasant I was to work with (and for) the next day.

I liken it to my experience with Cubs fans. From a distance they are OK but once they are in your neighborhood they are a bunch of entitled douchenoodles. The sheer fratassery reflects back on who they support.

I hope Obama does well and makes good out of the shit sandwich he is being handed. He has two years before a Republican Congress takes over to do what he can. I just hope these bitches realizes he isn't the Messiah, and if he gets reelected have their fucking party out in the 'burbs. Seriously, fuck those guys. They are as bad as horses.

I voted

2008-11-04T11:36:00.006-05:00

Georgia election officials should be fucking ashamed of themselves. In the city that has the best ISyE college in the country should be able to solve easy logistics problems. I showed up at my usual time, 0630, and did not walk out until 0900.

There should not be two incompetent people manning the voter rolls. There should not be at least five voting machines open at all times. There should not be six poll workers standing around with nothing to do.

The people I almost feel sorry for are the sorry ass bitches who were at the back of the line when I left the polling location. The line was at least twice as long as when I joined and much tighter packed. They aren't going to see the inside of that church for close to five hours.

I don't care if it makes me look like an asshole, but senior citizens should only get a pass to the front of the line in the designated hours for them to do so (0930-1630). Fuck those old motherfuckers. They are just voting to get more free shit from the government anyway.

That son of bitch Kuro must have had more competent poll workers. He was a sixteenth of a mile away at his polling location and it took him an hour less to get his vote tallied. The impression I got was his initial line was longer. I might just leave a flaming bag of poo on his porch.

Since there was nobody waiting for my voting machine I took my time. Whenever somebody was running opposed Coach Paul Johnson got written in. I hope the success in the polls doesn't got to his head and make him leave coaching.

Oh well, I did my civic duty so I have a right to complain when the next president /senator /municipal gardener takes over and fucks everything up. And I am pretty sure that they will. They always do, the sad cuntslappers. Anybody who doesn't vote and complains can eat a bag of dicks.

We will just have to wait for fourteen more hours to have a provisional president elect. Then we get to find out which party's lawyers will be making a killing challenging results. I see a lot of fraud happening this year, much like every year.

And the best part of my day? The incredibly fat man in a purple suit with matching purple leather shoes. For some reason I think he was the Democrat's lawyer for my polling location.

Bull Moose, bitches.

I need a DVR

2008-10-23T20:54:00.002-04:00

Jesus Christ fellating a syphilitic rhesus monkey! That shit is awesome. I would watch the fuck out of this.

[h/t With Leather who found it here.]

Confessions of a spice addict

2008-10-22T19:46:00.003-04:00

My name is Sham and I'm a spice addict. It started innocently enough 11 years ago. Just a little dab of Sriracha on my bowl of bun. Then just a dab wouldn't do me. Slowly over the years I would add more Sriracha to my Vietnamese cuisine.

But if Vietnamese food was so much better with spice, why not other foods? I had always gotten my wings mild but a new universe of "hot" wings unfolded in front of me. I started ordering spicy food at all the restaurants that offered it. I would confront scared Chinese waiters with "No, I want is hot! I want it spicy! Not round-eye spicy but real spicy! I'm serious!" (This may have contributed to the fact that I'm no longer allowed in The Peking Dragon but that is a story for another time. And why is it that most traditional Asian cuisine is so good if it lends itself to spice? AKA, Japanese food can suck it.)

But as my fondness for hot and spicy food grew there was always a stumbling block. My long time feud with vinegar. The acrid smell in my nostrils starts a gag reflex. All forms of vinegar ruin food for me unless masked by more strong flavors. The worst are malt and balsamic vinegar, which will cause my gorge to rise. And almost every American hot sauce is primarily vinegar.

For the longest time I just went through bottle after giant bottle of Sriracha. The paste like consistency and lack of a biting vinegar nose made it the perfect hot sauce. I keep a bottle at work, home, GF's house. The major downside of my hot sauce of choice is that many restaurants (non-Asian) do not carry it. Since most commercial eateries don't make the spicy food spicy enough this creates a dilemma.

I soldiered along bravely for a long time. In the last year I started experimenting with American hot sauces again. I need my heat! At first I only used it on pizza when crushed red pepper was not available in sufficient quantities (i.e. at somebody's house). Then I tried mixing different hot sauces with other condiments (btw, H57 and Red Rooster is so fucking money).

Then came this past weekend. Up in Athens in the middle of a complete day of frolfing the meatatarians hit up a Kebap shop. I needed spice bad. I doctored up my ketchup with Tabasco brand Chipotle sauce (about 50-50). I used up the rest of the bottle on the sandwich and had to go get a backup bottle to finish the sandwich.

And then yesterday the unthinkable occurred. I bought a bottle of vinegar based sauce for myself. It was the aforementioned Tabasco Chipotle sauce. I immediately tested it out on some leftover sweet potato chipotle shepherds pie. Between eating dinner and seasoning today's lunch I have used half of the bottle. A buck fifty of hot sauce already used! Now, this stuff isn't very hot but the flavor is great! You have to add another hot sauce to get the proper heat but a nice flavor base to cover it is awesome.

I'm seriously considering getting a gallon jug of that stuff. I'm officially a fucking addict.

Ah, football

2008-10-16T18:30:00.002-04:00

Finally, proof that football coaches are another breed of men. I don't know whether to think that is totally teh awesome!!1!!1! or downright disturbing. Of course, he does coach the 'Skins. I can't believe I couldn't resist that one.

Highs and lows

2008-10-13T13:08:00.003-04:00

This weekend was a study in extremes. On Saturday my Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets put up an absolutely piss poor performance against a 2-4 Div II team. It was ugly. It was one of those games where you scratch your head and wonder if the third string quarterback is on scholarship.

It was one of those games where you see that an offensive scheme like the Triple Option Flexbone needs the correct style of athlete to run it. I hope that in the future after Coach Paul Johnson actually starts the recruiting that I won't cringe at the prospect of the third string QB. Especially if he is a 5th year senior who I have never even heard of. His timing errors threw of Dwyer and every pass he threw was at least five yards short.

While a win is always nice I don't enjoy having that much suspense against a Div II team. I don't want to have to see a blocked field goal to seal the win. I want to see a four TD stomping. If the team plays this lackluster against a hungry Clemson team I'm going to be very depressed next Saturday at 4 pm. I'll just have to hope Shaw (concussion) or Nesbitt (sprained hammy) are ready to go at noon Saturday.

--

However, on Sunday the Falcons were dealing with a team many thought were better. The excitement level in the dome was huge. So huge that some dude who must have been off his meds that was sitting next to me was being a huge jackass to the Bears fans in our section. He was loud and actually insane. He thought people were talking back to him when the were just trying their best to ignore him.

Kuro has a theory that I attract crazy people. I'm not sure he is wrong. After halftime crazy dude didn't come back but the lady behind me threatened to "jump through me" during the Falcon's goal line stand because she thought I was a Bears fan because I was wearing a blue hat. That was one of the more intelligible things she said.

Once again that game proved why you shouldn't leave before the last second ticks off the clock. Many Bears fans left when Norwood ran the ball back to the 20 and barring failure the drive would end in a two score difference in the teams. But Elam missed his kick.

Then when the Bears made the last second drive and punched in a touchdown with 11 seconds left. A large contingent of "fans" left their seats and left. The squib kick was returned near midfield the Falcons had 6 seconds to do something. Do something they did when Matt Ryan hit Michael "Stone Hands No Longer" Jenkins on a bench route with one second left. Elam redeemed himself and sealed the win and the whole place erupted.

Random strangers were high fiving each other in the hallways. Everybody was screaming and cheering while exiting the building. It was a rush. It was hitting your one outer on the river. The noise was deafening while going down the ramps.

Then something happened. The event coordinator for the Georgia Dome fucked us. They were supposed to be handing out John Abraham figurines to the first 10,000 fans and everybody who had a voucher was crowding the table to try and redeem the vouchers.

It was a clusterfuck. All the goodwill and excitement drained from the crowd. What could have been handled easily by anyone with common sense or logistics training would have pointed out that putting the table right next to the bottom of two ramps in front of the exits would cause congestion. That only having one person handing out the figurines would slow the pace down to a deadly crawl.

It was a mob scene directly in front of the exit. It was a fire hazard so the police cleared the building. The mob formed multiple orderly lines outside every door at gate C. Then the event coordinator opened one door and the mob reformed around that door. By that time everybody was unruly and pissed that they were missing the later games.

All this for what has to be a repainted Hulk doll. Instead of it commemorating a huge win for a team that nobody respected at the beginning of the year, I will only think of the 45 minutes of my life that they wasted. I'm still surprised I haven't seen any on Ebay yet.

I'm not sure if it was adrenaline crash, a flu bug, or the fact that I ate Taco Mac but it started to go downhill from there. I got home and was struck with lethargy. I needed to help LB with some stuff around her house but planned to hit up the night game out with the boys.

My body had other plans. After helping LB out while feeling ill I spent the second half of the Pats-Bolts game on the couch alternating between chills and sweats. I haven't felt like that since my Thanksgiving food poisoning a few years back.

I guess the lesson here is too much excitement at two football games is bad for my body. Either that or I need to start drinking during Falcons games.

Pimpin'

2008-10-08T18:54:00.002-04:00

If you are a football fan who enjoys the funny there is no reason for you not to be readying Kissing Suzy Kolber every day. So much good shit going on. Today's Ochos and Marvin installment just kept delivering the funny. You think it's going to end but it keeps going. The whole Ocho and Marvin series is the shit.

It's weird how now that I use Google Reader my blog reading has changed. It just started out as only poker blogs. Then I started adding sports blogs. Then it was webcomics. The only time I actually see an actual blog page is when they don't have full feed and it looks interesting to click through.

So now that it is football season I check my sports blogs, then the webcomics and other humor blogs, then the poker and general other blogs/pages with feeds/whathaveyou. Poker, you need to step it up if you want to be read before Sheldon. Consider yourself warned.

Thanks for the validation

2008-10-07T19:37:00.004-04:00

Yes, thank you New York Times for the validation of my sexuality. I sure rest easier now that people don't automatically think I want to scarf cock because I own a cat. Now we just have to convince the bears at Fellini's (I couldn't figure out to link past posts but think July 2007) that this is the case.

I guess Kuro and Gnome can also breathe easier because of this as well. No wonder newspapers are failing.

--

Edit: This is the link. Have fun with that.

Sportastic

2008-10-06T18:34:00.004-04:00

It was a good sports weekend for those of us in the ANTA. On the baseball front the Cubbies got their comeuppance and the Triples (Devil Rays for you plebians, actually just the Rays now but whatthefuckever) looked good in the games at the Trop.

I have long tried to like the Triples and but could never quite muster up real affection for a team that had never been anywhere but a cellar dweller. Gnome, Kuro and myself even went to a game at the Trop a few years back. Beautiful looking from the outside but and absolute shithole on the interior. Why is baseball ever played inside? I can't even remember who they played but the concessions were nice. We even got to see a player hit a low wall at full speed trying to catch a popup and flip over the wall.

Even seeing a game wasn't enough to make me a fan. Gnome and I debated how to make the team interesting enough to follow. We agreed that a name change would do them good, but the name had to be something new and fresh (aka not the abortion which is the Oklahoma City Thunder). Hence the Triples were born. Named for the fact that Tampa Bay hosts the three cities of Tampa, St. Petersburg and Clearwater and that a triple is ya know, a baseball kinda thingee. So much better than the Twins, which I have on a good authority were named after gay porn.

I just thought the Triples wouldn't make a fan out of me playing in a division with the Yankees and the BoSox, whose combined bankrolls could be used in lieu of taxpayer money in the Bailout plan. But the Yankees didn't make the postseason proving that just throwing money at something isn't some magical panacea for all ills (cough cough Bailout cough cough). The Triples proved that young players and solid management can sometimes win. That the baseball business machine juggernaut isn't the end all, be all of the sport.

If the Triples actually win this thing they will have earned themselves a fan in me. I will overlook the fact that the AL with the DH is an abomination. I'll even buy a hat. Well, if they actually take my name change idea at least. Whatever it takes to keep the Yankees and BoSox out of the World Series (of baseball).

--

Whew! It's October and I actually took that long to talk about baseball when the Braves aren't in it. And there is perfectly good football going on out there. On to it.

Saturday means college football here in the South. Kuro and I hit up the Ga Tech game live and in person. We hit up JR Cricket's for wings and beer before the festivities. I can't recommend that place enough. I didn't even get to sit down before the order was ready.

The game itself was fun and I wondered why I haven't been to a game in two years. Then I remembered the Reggie Ball/Chan Gailey experiment. Paul Johnson and his 1960's flexbone (wow, that just sounds five kinds of dirty) have tried hard this year to make me forget about quixotic nature of the past seven. The equally improbable wins and losses that make one question why they bother with all this fandom mess.

That brings us up to Saturday with my Jackets facing what is supposed to be a new Duke team with Cutcliffe at the helm. Loaded up with lack of sleep, 10 hot wings and two 24oz beers for fuel, and the knowledge that Duke broke their ACC losing streak but was still, well, Duke I was ready for the game.

It was a nice day to be out and some old lesbians kept encroaching on Kuro's personal space so it was destined to be an entertaining experience. The first half was kind of lackluster but I've got a feeling that's how this offense will always work. The second half was much more enjoyable (24 points more!) and the only downsides were getting sunburned and the 'burbian housewives behind us nattering on about preparing their children for high school dances (e.g. "So I got the dress at Target, but when I said I got it at Target they were all like, NO WAY, but I got it at Target for cheap. And my usual hairdresser was booked up...." and on in that vein for 10 minutes without breathing).

We public transitted (woohoo, new word) our way back to the hood and had a few more drinks before retiring to our respective abodes to rest up for the poker game over at Cat Arena. The 28 inch pizza brought by Empire and Da Bruiser (in celebration of Empire's 28th bday, natch) was good, but also a bad beat. Broccoli that is baked has interesting effects on my GI system. It does not so much cause intestinal discomfort in me as it does olfactory discomfort in others.

Oh, and I finished up almost four buy-ins. That was nice for once. Nothing to do with skill. Just pure broccoli fuel. That and the Pabst.

--

Not much happened on Sunday but the Falcons taking down the Packers. I can't muster up as much hate for the Packers since Favre fled to the Jets. I guess I can just hate the Jets for more reasons than the fact that they are "in" New York.

If you made it this far through the post you deserve to see this. A pure testament to what men find funny. 35 minutes long and worth just letting run on the background while working.

Freaky

2008-09-25T17:24:00.002-04:00

I don't know who has all tried this before but just do it as you sit at your computer.

Lift your right foot up and move it in a clockwise circle.
Now write a 6 in the air with your right hand.

What direction is your foot going now?

--
--
--
--
--
--

Counterclockwise. Freaky deaky. The only time it didn't change direction on me I drew the 6 backwards.

Mmmm...chicken

2008-09-18T15:06:00.003-04:00

see Sarah Palin pictures

Now that looks like fun. And for all the people who never understood how the people (read as male nerds) of my generation watched Dragonball Z I have the comic for you.

Three in one day!

2008-09-17T12:33:00.008-04:00

My, oh my. Three blog posts in one day. I just had to share this great thing by Bruce Sterling. I've never been a big Sterling fan but this is awesome.

[h/t tor.com]

Why does this not surprise me?

2008-09-17T12:33:00.005-04:00

see more pwn and owned pictures

Halon/Hochuli

2008-09-17T12:33:00.003-04:00

So I'm sitting at work around 2015 last night when the fire alarm bell goes off. No reason to panic, I don't see any flames. The rest of the people in the office and I check the rest of the building and the only alarm going off is the bells on our wing on our floor. The horn and the flashing alarm lights aren't going off, just this fucking annoying bell.

After about 5 minutes I just say "Fuck it" and get back to work. I still have fifteen people I have to nursemaid before I can head home. That doesn't mean I don't pack up my laptop, iPod, and Blackberry and get ready to roll out if the midden hits the windmill.

We get the building's super to come in and check out what is happening. By now the alarm has been going off a half hour and I have a splitting headache from the goddamn alarm. I'm down to about four "children" left when I hear a loud BOOM!

I turn around and see all the people from the back half of the room running and look over the partition to the glass walled server room to see the Halon system going off. It was pretty fucking cool. Just a cloud of gas turning the room opaque. And now the entire fire alarm system was going off; the flashing lights, the booming horn, the midget on the Shriner car sized fire truck was released from his cage (well, not really that but wouldn't that be the awesome?).

I shoot off a quick message to my guys that I will be incommunicado because the district office might be burning down and to call onsite management if they have any problems. I grab my shit and hit the doors. Good thing we are on the ground floor.

The only people in the building are my department and the call center upstairs and we congregate in the parking deck. Lucky motherfuckers from the call center just head home while my department just huddles up and goes of how much fun that was. I also got to explain what Halon was to my coworkers, who thought it was smoke in the server room.

The fire department shows up 10 minutes later and after they have been in the building (sans gear) for about another 10 minutes we decide to go back in. Shit, I had to close down my gmail so none of the daytime fuckers I work with could prowl through my personal life.

I come back in to the fire department personnel walking out of the server room saying "The good news is, I don't know what caused this. The bad news is, I don't know what caused this." I shut down all the personal shit on my work comp, checked to make sure all the rest of my kids were done, called onsite management to let them know what was going on, and got the fuck on home.

Good times, good times. I look forward to the next false alarm where I can see the Halon system popping off. I'm just disappointed that I actually have to be at work today and they won't be replacing our horribly outdated workstations.

--

Now for my prognostications. You heard it here first people. Next year on Law & Order there will be an episode ripped from the headlines about this Ed Hochuli mess. I'm not sure what the twist will be. Either a law partner, wife, mistress, estranged gardner, or pet will try to make it look like and outraged fan/bookie did the deed.

If I was a writer who had an in on that show, talent, and actually knew how to write an hour long cop drama I would have banged that shit out in six hours and had it in a studio execs hands first thing Monday morning.

If you don't know what I'm talking about here, you're obviously not a golfer.

History of the World: Part Pi

2008-09-15T19:14:00.003-04:00

Hmmm. I could write about how happy I am that football is back. I could write about how my boys at Tech gave the game away on Saturday. I could write about how I'm not really disappointed in the Falcon's loss on Sunday. I could write about how awesome it was to have the Braves finally bust that one run road loss streak and then fucking up the Mets' bullpen in another game.

I could muse upon the slippery slope that is the political landscape. I could bitch about not being able to make the hunting trip this year. I could do my planned reviews of David J Williams' Mirrored Heavens and George Alec Effinger's When Gravity Fails (it was going to be an old school v new school sff battle of two great novels). I could share just how much the passing of David Foster Wallace affects me.

But no. I'm going to stick with what is important.

Yup, old

2008-09-02T20:06:00.002-04:00

Who Says College Doesn't Prepare You for the Real World?
Frat boy: If you press your thumb hard in the middle of your forehead it stops your gag reflex for a minute.
Girl: Uhhh how do you know that?
Frat boy: I learned it at my frat, you can swallow a whole banana!

--Bryant Park

Overheard by: JC
via Overheard in New York, Sep 1, 2008

Just want to thank everybody who came out for the official Pub Crawl on Saturday. I know there was a fair amount of fratassery going on at the pubs on a Saturday night but I still had a fucking blast.

Overall, the whole fucking long weekend was a complete success. I frolfed two out of three days and had my best score ever (out of three whole times recording strokes) of 71. And then yesterday after 30 minutes of searching for a disc (with many people) and declaring it lost I found it sitting on the edge of the green 20 yards ahead of where we were searching.

Da Bruiser, Empire, and I also debated the various merits of various "fuck-----" words. My favorites of late are fuckshovel and fucktaster, but we were trying to expand the taxonomy of fuck[implement]s.

Fucksaber (or fucksabre!): a favorite of all

Fuckmattock: sounds too much like Fuckomatic, the sex machine that in tandem with SkyNet will enslave the human race

Fuckaxe: straight, simple, and to the point (note: do not try fuckpickaxe or any other extended variation)

Fucksledge: who couldn't love this word?

Fuckdrill: obvious, much? bleargh.

Conversations like that make driving 30 minutes to the 'burbs much more enjoyable. If you would like to add your own fuckxxxxs to the canon, feel free to do so in comments. Until next time, fuckrachets.

Get off my lawn!

2008-08-26T20:31:00.002-04:00

Well, the era is over. I have officially joined the ranks of the aged with all you other fucks and turned 30 today. You suck and now by extension I suck as well. Thanks, bitches.

Not that I regard 30 as a big milestone. It's not like I planned on having a wife and kids at this age. Quite the opposite. I formed a theory in high school that most marriages of people under 30 end up in divorce. Not that I used a large sample size, just the families of my friends (let us just take on faith that I am capable of having friends) and my own family.

Of course in this modern age divorce is almost as likely as somebody choosing the color of their Jetta to be silver (really, did anybody buy a different color Jetta in the past 5 years?). Of course, it is not like I've been interested in marriage anyway. I don't think I have the temperament to deal with another person for that long. My one cohabitation experiment didn't turn out that well.

Plus, the only person who wants me to have kids less than myself is every fucking other person on this mudball (excluding my parents). The last thing we need is more sociopathic snark-wielding anklebiters roaming our fair cities.

It's like I always tell Kuro, if I had a wife and kids I would be out in the fucking 'burbs with the rest of the bitches who gave up on life. I'm not ready to let my last vestiges of "cool" and "hip" slip through my fingers (yes, I know that statement [especially with the quotation marks] pretty much lines my coolness up against a wall and puts it out of its misery). I like the city life. Okay, I just like having 20 plus bars within walking distance. Don't judge me, fuckshovel.

Yes, the 'burbs do have very nice things. Like disc golf courses that you don't have to drive 20 minutes to get to. A movie starring Tom Hanks. MILFs (we just have to settle for young, childless hotties in the city).

Oh well, I'll stick to midtown. The surfeit of non-chain eateries and bars with cheap booze will just have to keep me happy. I plan to hit some of those on the 7th annual Sham's 30th Birthday Pub Crawl on Saturday. I'll have to look into getting shirts made next year.

Let's recap:
Wife: NO
Children: NO
Homeownership: NO
Hopes and dreams: We'll put this one down as a maybe
Absolute freedom: YES

Well, it's time to go have some beer. I'm out of here.

Ah, melanin.

2008-08-12T01:30:00.002-04:00

Dateline Butt Fucking Egypt: Actually I'm in Crossville, TN but we are close enough. Middle of fucking nowhere but goddamn is it fucking beautiful. I'm on vacation this week and needed to get the fuck out of the ANTA.

The original plan was to rent a cabin up near Helen, GA but unforeseen circumstances (e.g. fucking car breaking down) made that plan infeasible. I was just going to enjoy a stay-cation (excuse me for that fucking lame as shit expression) and do the tourist shit I've never done in the ANTA (e.g. aquarium). However, my father called and needed some help with painting his cabin.

That's right. Cabin. An actual log fucking cabin. He's had it for about three years and didn't feel safe at the top of the ladder painting the chinking while standing on the second to top step. He turned 66 last week so I sure as hell don't blame him.

Fuck, for the price of two tanks of gas (saw it for 3.53! [fuck! why is 3.53 a good price?]) I get to have my vacation. Also got to peruse the worlds' largest yard sale.

I also get to make use of the pool. It isn't near as hot as it is in the ANTA but it feels really good to take a swim in the middle of the day. Or the night, as I've done every night.

The only problem with this trip is the horrible sunburn I happened to pick up today. Not yesterday while roaming between roving bands of toothless rednecks in the world's largest yardsale in the full fury of Sol followed by a dip in the pool. Oh no, it's not that easy. I got it today while caulking and painting in the shade for 1.5 hours.

Now my forearms and the backs of my knees (!?) are a bright shade of crimson. My face, neck, and ears are also affected to a smaller degree. Fuck it, I'm actually having a good vacation. I never went up to my father's cabin before and it is nice to finally know where it is (especially considering I will most likely inherit it).

It is a great retreat 3+ hours from the ANTA. It may sound like a long drive but it is very breathtaking once you get into Tennessee. I've taken a daytrip here and just wished the entire driving time here that I had a sports car. Preferably a convertible so I could get the full enjoyment out of the scenery.

I will mos def be taking more trips up here now that I've seen it with my own eyes. If you're lucky I'll invite you up with me.

Blogger Bound

2008-07-23T03:13:00.003-04:00

Well, I dropped the skymiles and reserved a flight for Vegas in December. I should have gone last year but somehow didn't make it (yeah, I know I need to be more careful about the people I "stake"). Oh well, better late than never.

It's not like I'm really part of the poker blogger community. I read a fair amount of the blogs, but only because I need something to do at work besides just the work of two people. I don't post any real poker content (when I post at all) and don't play in any of the blogger tourneys (well, I played the Bodonkey once.....terribly). I've met a fair amount of the ANTA bloggers and they are all good people, but it's not like I have any contact with bloggers from out of the metro area.

But, Goddammit, it always sounds like so much fucking fun. It's not like I have anything better to do with my vacation. When I get back from that week off I will be working nonstop until Christmas anyway so I might as well get my jollies first. And Kuro kept fucking bothering me.

So when he sent me his confirmation of the room today and then the confirmation of his plane ticket I knew it was on. 30k skymiles lighter I have a ticket out to Vegas for the winter gathering (and nonstop, unlike a certain cat who has to go through Denver).

The way I see it, I either need to start playing more poker....or I need to get a fucking Stetson to blend in with the rodeo folk. Guess I better start saving my shekels for piece of haberdashery.

We'll be at the IP so I hope to be able to drink, drink, drink. Hopefully I'll make some money, but at the very least I hope to be ahead in alcohol.

--

Sham's Work Bitching of the Week

What's pissing me off this week? The fact that my direct boss always says "stagnate" when she means "stagger" and can't say "specific" and instead uses "pacific". I'm not even going to go into the all caps emails.

When Gnome was in town last week he said "I love your horrible coworkers." I cannot share his opinion. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive the people who have made me watch that much judge television. Look here, douchetards! Please stop pretending Judge Judy is high art! Stop giving me the stinkeye for wearing my iPod and reading while you try and deconstruct the case of LaQueesha v Bosephus over an unpaid cell phone bill.

I have to eat my salad in the breakroom, but I don't have to offer up an opinion on why Billy Jo must be lyin' to da judge. All these shows can be summed up in one statement, "don't trust and/or lend money and/or cosign for people with bad credit and questionable judgement." It's stupid people and their friends/family doing stupid things. I'd rather watch Jackass, at least you get to see the idiots get hurt there. Wake up fuckshovels! You don't have to watch the same shit every day!

Sorry, that went on longer than I was expecting. At least I stopped before mentioning their taste in movies.

--

I was going to review the bachelor party and wedding, but what do you really need to know? If you weren't there it's not important. You just need to know that Gnome can plan one hell of a party.

Later, bitches.....

Evil League of Evil

2008-07-20T02:26:00.003-04:00

In case anybody was wondering (aka too lazy to hit pause) the members of the Evil League of Evil are:

Professor Normal
Fake Thomas Jefferson
Tie-Die
Dead Bowie
Fury Leika
Snake Bite
Bad Horse (most awesome villain ever)

......and now Dr. Horrible of course!

Exigencies

2008-07-18T21:08:00.002-04:00

Hey, fuckwads! In case you cockbags didn't know Dr. Horrible will not always be available for free. Act III will be released tomorrow and then the whole shebang comes off teh intarwebs to be sold as a DVD (and don't think iTunes won't get their grubby little fingers on it). Sunday is the deadline, douchenoodles. Don't claim you weren't told.

Schweet!

2008-06-27T20:40:00.002-04:00

As a rabid Firefly and NPH fan I was so happy to read this.

Everybody keep their ocular sockets focused here to see what happens.

New favorite word

2008-06-19T20:16:00.002-04:00

Well, except for douchenoodle (obv). To use it in a sentence:

"In about three weeks the crew will be sojourning to Athens to help put through college as many ecdysiasts as we can. Preferably blond. Matt won't know what hit him."

Everybody try to use it at work tomorrow.

Cobra!

2008-06-19T13:02:00.004-04:00

Damn it feels good to have a closer
A real closer-ass pitcher plays his cards right
A real closer-ass pitcher never runs his fuckin mouth
Cuz real closer-ass pitcher don't start fights
And pitchers always gotta high cap
Showin' all his boys how he shot em
But real closer-ass pitchers don't flex nuts
Cuz real closer-ass pitchers know they got em
And everythings cool in the mind of a closer
Cuz closer-ass pitchers think deep
Up three-sixty-five a year 24/7
Cuz real closer-ass pitchers don't sleep

And all I gotta say to you
Wannabe, gonnabe, cocksuckin', pussy-eatin' hosers
Cuz when the fry dies down what the fuck you gonna do
Damn it feels good to have a closer

Sometimes, the only way to get the proper emotion across is to paraphrase the Geto Boys. I'd like to make that into a Hallmark card.

Of course, I'm referring to the return of Mike Gonzalez to the Braves last night. This closer by committee of fucktards isn't working. The collective douche wafflage of the bullpen has robbed the Braves starting pitching of too many wins.

The disappointment of neither Soriano or Smoltz panning out for closing really sucked. Hopefully me jumping on the bandwagon of Gonzalez this early won't lead to disastrous results. But it looks like he waited until he was fully ready to come back.

I don't remember much of him from last year. He went down so early that I didn't remember him or his pitching style. Has he always done that stand on the side of the mound and rock his shoulders thing? Dunno, but that has to be intimidating as hell to batters when he follows it up with that high heat.

I can't remember which batter it was last night, but dude kept stepping out of the box. I could see the fear in his eyes. Maybe he just had to piss, but it looked like fear to me.

That distinctive pitching style deserves giving him a nickname. I propose calling him "The Cobra". He moves back and forth hypnotizing and assessing the batter and then strikes!

I tried to find a clip on youtube of Gonzalez but failed. I guess if you want to see The Cobra in action you will have to watch some Braves games, which everybody should be doing anyway.

I hope my sports prediction is not the kiss of death it usually is, but I'm just so excited. The Bravos might have a chance this year after all.

Mobile bar blogging

2008-06-15T17:06:00.001-04:00

I'm sitting here at Limerick enjoying a few brews and reflecting on how awesome that Turkey v Czech Republic game was. There has been some spotty keeper play throughout this Euro tourney but this game was won with, for lack of a better term, heart. Hell of a comeback for Turkey. I don't understand why more Americans don't watch soccer. Oh well, time to watch USA v Barbados (obviously not Euro but World Cup qualifiers).

Shoot me now

2008-06-14T02:59:00.002-04:00

I've never been one to just bitch about my beats or bad play on the virtual felt, but the past two weeks have been brutal. I'm talking Metalocalypse brutal. The last two weeks in sporadic play I am down 5 buy ins (I know, that's small change to real ballas, but it deters me) on some stupid shit. It is about 75-25 beats to idiotic play. KK < J8o most recently. But the ones that have been killing me are the AKs < AJo and AQs < AJo (three buy ins on those). Must.....control....tilt..... I don't claim to be good at this game, but I should be able to smack these low limit donks around.

Oh well, must run now. Looks like LB ate a salmonella tomato tonight on her burger and is feeling like Pukey Winchester.

All I can say is....

2008-06-04T00:37:00.002-04:00

Am I bitter or just cynical because I agree with him?

[Edit: I just read through more of his posts. Good stuff throughout.]

Fuckin' A

2008-05-31T06:39:00.002-04:00

Long fucking time since I've done this. I'm playing poker as the sun comes up. I actually play my best in this state. Sad but true. At least I get to listen to a lot of good music. I am best in this fugue state between smart decisions and sobriety. It sucks being a drunk who only drinks 3 nights a week.

Venture Bros

2008-05-29T19:26:00.003-04:00

This shit is the bomb diggity if you haven't checked it out yet. If anybody out there in intarwebland wants to buy me a gift I would love a subscription.

Throw me the idol!

2008-05-29T18:28:00.004-04:00

I saw the Indiana Jones movie over the weekend like any self respecting male of my generation. Not that I really have self respect, I just like action movies. I have to say that going to the drive in theater really helps action movies.

One of LB's friends was having this joint birthday party thing so it seemed like a good idea. About twenty of us descended upon the center of the lot and took up eight primo parking spots, including one in the middle to set up the grills and food tables. The key to doing this is showing up as soon as they open the lots and putting chairs in spots for the stragglers.

Once the grills are set up it is immediately time to contradict both the no alcohol and no glass bottles policies. Two hours of drinking and consuming cased meat products are a wonderful way to prepare for a movie.

Of course this means by the time the sun goes down and the movie is starting I am on the backup beer (a lesser brew once taste is no longer an issue) and in the mood to sit for a spell. I was in the perfect state of mind to enjoy the action packed beginning of the movie and it really helped suspend disbelief for the batshit crazy parts of the movie that started around the 30 minute mark. I was going to throw in some of my criticisms that even a baker's dozen of beers couldn't keep me from calling shenanigans, but I'll leave the spoilers to those who do it better.

All in all I would recommend this movie as long as you have at least ten beers on hand. It gets really enjoyable around beer fourteen. The only problem is walking over to the lavatory and seeing Drillbit Taylor (and later Baby Momma) playing on the screen opposite during the entire walk.

And all in all I would recommend the drive in as long as you have at least twelve beers on hand. Or at least seventeen for anything starring Ben Stiller (preferably you have full on narcotics if you plan on actually enjoying it). The only drawbacks are finding a DD and the mouthbreathing masses that surround you (e.g. the kind of people who have such class as to change their child's diaper in the bathroom and just leave the dirty one on the floor).

The ANTA crew should probably find a movie to roll over and check it out sometime. There is the 5th annual Rock N' Roll Monster Bash going on June 1st. They will be showing Godzilla vs. MechaGodzilla and The Werewolf vs. Vampire Women. It should be an interesting time.

Bleargh

2008-05-21T14:26:00.001-04:00

Rice cake burps are more disgusting than they have any right to be considering they have no taste going down.

Motherdicker?

2008-05-12T20:09:00.002-04:00

I'm texting Matt to wish him a happy 30th birthday and my blackberry (no caps, bitches) spellcheck function prompts motherdicker instead of motherfucker. I think I'm going to start using that term.

Arby's

2008-05-08T21:06:00.002-04:00

For some reason Arby's has been coming up a lot lately. From the time I ate it before the regular season Hawks-Celtics game (I'm so hungry I could eat Arby's!) it just keeps coming up. I only eat fast food when I'm on vacation and broke that rule for the game. After that Arby's has been mentioned at least once a day in my life. I think this cartoon is the reason. Now Arby's can slip peacefully back out of my everyday consciousness.

An Open Letter to Colgate-Palmolive

2008-05-07T18:05:00.005-04:00

Dear Toothpaste Manufacturers,

What the fuck? I mean seriously. Have y'all lost your fucking minds? This has to be one of the worst things that I've ever voluntarily put in my mouth (and I've been to Mexico). Far worse, it is purported to be an agent for cleaning and removing offensive flavors.

Was your R&D Department on a sympathy strike with the Writers when this transgression against oral cavities everywhere was unleashed upon the world? This abortion of a product should have never hit shelves, especially my neighborhood Target.

I was in a hurry and knew that my designated toothpaste sharer (DTS) has a predilection for your line of tooth cleaning products with embedded breath strips. My arm was weighed down with 28 pounds of cat litter (carts are for pussies) and there were none of the usual "flavors" available.

I looked in vain for Fresh Mint, or Sparkling Mint, or even Gleamin' Mint but they were not to be found. All that was there was Kiss Me Mint. "Hey, how bad could it be?" I thought. "I know it is kind of purply-pink on the label, but it says mint." (Quick note about the picture: I was purchasing the tooth ablator in the more traditional tube form inside of a neutral colored box, not the garish packaging pictured above.)

I am myself a huge fan of mint. It is one of my favorite flavors. Give me a mojito and I'm a happy man. If I break my diet for a Blizzard (tm) it is a mint Heath one. I like mint, be it spearmint, peppermint, or even cooler ranch mint. If I could get away with it I would wear mint flavored cuff links.

So I grabbed the product off the shelf and took it home to be put into the morning and evening ablution rotation almost immediately as I was down to travel toothpaste tubes.

I had an evening of revelry with friends confident that when I needed to flush the morning after taste of PBR from my mouth I would have the proper tools. Imagine my surprise when getting ready for work the next morn when I crack the virgin tube open and the contents are of a fluorescent purple nature. I had thought that was just marketing on the label. I know of no naturally occurring purple mint variation.

Oh well, I had killed the travel tube last night and didn't want to head into my place of employment with mammoth breath. There are no words to describe the taste/sensation that followed. Bleargh! Some diabetes inducing berry concoction was on my Oral B. There was nothing mint about it. I would rather have something from the Palmolive branch of the company on my toothbrush. It tasted worse than hobo taint. Prison wine has a more refined and balanced flavor. It makes the original Listerine look like it was formulated by an oenologist.

Kiss Me Mint, my shiny metal ass. I will narrowly avoid saying Kiss My Ass Mint (or maybe I won't). There is nobody out there who would be drawn in by the allure of this smell for a game of tonsil hockey. Did y'all do any product testing whatsoever? Or did you just throw it in a cage of capuchin monkeys and see if they would eat it?

Is this product intended for human consumption at all? Perhaps it is some sort of James Bond type explosive hidden in plain sight. Maybe it hardens into a wonderful caulk if you add another chemical agent. It could be a great campaign to make Al Queda think that maybe Americans don't live such a great life.

Well, congratufuckinglations Colgate-Palmolive. You have successfully made a Gigli product. It is asstastic. Whomever decided this was a good idea should be forced to eat a five gallon bucket of this appalling concoction and chase it with a gallon of orange juice.

Regards and Fuck off,

Sham (Crest customer for life)

Now a link site!

2008-05-01T17:16:00.002-04:00

Well, it just seems that way I guess.

Anybody else think JK Rowling is a crazy bitch? Thanks for putting your hand in the air Orson. It's kind of funny that every respected author that I've seen put out an opinion on the situation pretty much thinks she is batshit.

Wizard!

2008-04-24T14:37:00.003-04:00

I can't explain it but for some reason I really like those Alltell commercials where the dude yells "Wizard!" and the wizard comes to life from the painting on the side of the molester van. I often ponder how this phone company still exists because I have yet to meet somebody who uses their service. They are the service provider of the ACC so I'm pretty sure there must be some presence in this region.

Either way, I would really like to make "Wizard!" some sort of catchword. Sort of like "Ignore me!" from Venture Bros. I guess I'm just trying to rationalize why I want to yell "Wizard!" when nobody would have any idea what I'm doing.

Elsewhere on the magic front (hat tip Scott Adams) we have yet another reason not to go to the Congo. Apparently they have sorcerers there who can steal your penis (/shudder). Now that would be a bad vacation.

Embrace your inner geek

2008-04-16T14:29:00.002-04:00

Sometimes the geek just comes bubbling up when you least expect it. My coworker was talking about training for a triathlon and maybe doing a duathlon instead.

Her: "I'm not sure. Tri or du. Du or tri."

Me: "Do or do not, there is no try."

Nobody got it.

Was I gone that long?

2008-04-15T11:14:00.002-04:00

So, I had not checked my Google reader since Thursday until I logged in today. I had used my spare time at work to read the PvP comic instead of the blogs and other random sites that I normally do. Man, was I in for a surprise. I expected it to be big, but not 647 unread items big.

I mean, I had checked in on the ANTA bloggers sites but pretty much nowhere else. After marking all of Slashdot as read (no way I'm reading 140 odd techie geek things in a row) and running through a few other important sites I'm looking at 445 items. Shit.

And it's not like I'll be able to catch up at work today. I couldn't do it yesterday with having to fill 5 fucking sick calls, and today the boss is going to be sitting next to me doing my neighbor to the right's review. Yeah, I know I should be doing this sort of thing at home but I'm a bastard. I figure that even with my dicking around on the computer I do at least twice as much work as my coworkers.

Blogoverse, I beg of you, please don't update your blogs for at least a couple more days. And all of you motherfuckers without a full RSS feed should be shot.

Beat the Mets!

2008-04-06T16:30:00.002-04:00

Beat the Mets/Beat the Mets/Step right up and beat the Mets!

Man, I like watching the Braves put the smackdown on the Mets. Kotsay needs to get used to the rest of his teammates, but had a nice assist. And my man Tex was the hero from both sides of the plate. It was also good see the team get back on track from a disappointing start to the season.

I'm going to refrain from making a prediction for the season, because every time I make a season long sports prediction I'm dead wrong. I'm just going to say that I will enjoy watching the Braves have an exciting season (and hopefully putting the Mets back in their place in the season series).

And I'm really glad the Thrashers won every game I went to this year and hopefully next year will be back in contention. Might need a coach to do that though.

In other news of the week I spotted a Wii at the Target near work. I immediately called Kuro to inform him that it was there and I would pick it up for him if he wished, but it went to voicemail. He called me back when I was back at work and I let him know which Target it was (fully expecting him not to go there) and was suprised three hours later when he called to tell me I was an asshole for making him drive over there and buy it! My arm does not thank me for it.

Oh well, now I need to head to Target to hoard up some ibuprofen.

I knew it!

2008-03-26T18:16:00.001-04:00

Finally, an explanation for my coworkers.

Brave Brew World

2008-03-25T17:51:00.005-04:00

I've never really been a coffee snob, but that may have changed. For the longest time I only drank the coffee at the Waffle House and that is what I was used to drinking (almost ended a sentence in a preposition there). I drank endless cups of coffee while smoking cigarettes and reading. It was a way to feel a little more adult during my teen years.

I've gained the so-called acquired tastes of whiskey and coffee since those heady times. The adage that you get what you pay for has held out. As far as scotch goes, I prefer a nice single malt (i.e. Balvenie) and small batch bourbons are always good (mmmm.....Booker's). My graduation to better coffee is much the same. Oh, did I forget single pot still Irish whiskey? Nevermind, this is about coffee.

Both paths were similar. I found that as soon as I could discern a difference in quality I was willing to pay for it. This is not to say that I won't drink WaHo coffee anymore! If it is all that is available I will take it because it does do the job. The corollary is an Evan Williams and Coke Zero. If I'm searching for a quick buzz or a quick pick me up I will use the tools at hand. But if I want something to savor the quality beverage is always preferred.

A few years ago when Gnome moved off the mainland to the land of my youth I got my first real taste of Kona coffee. Kuro had gone out for a visit and my GF at the time asked for him to bring me back some of the Lion brand toasted coconut coffee. He acceded to the request and I've been hooked ever since.

Last time Gnome came back to the ANTA I requested some of the 100% Kona to be smuggled back in his luggage. Little did I know he had gotten whole bean coffee (I didn't request grounds so it was my fault). Thankfully I still had some of the Lion Vanilla Macadamia grounds left to feed my fix.

So when I was on vacation I finally got around to buying a coffee grinder. Then last week I finally got a french press. So this morning was the first time I've ever had fresh ground 100% Kona coffee brewed in a french press. I'm not sure if I can ever go back. I am in Gnome's debt for forcing this transition upon me. Dude, I owe you a beer or nine.

I just hope that I never learn to appreciate fine wine. Now that could get really expensive. Unless Fuel decides to give his collection to somebody he's never met, much less talked to. I think I'll just stick to having just one or two bottles of wine that cost more than $50 a year.

Oh, and for the record I can't stand Starbucks coffee. The only place with worse coffee is Radial, but at least they have excellent food to offset their horrible coffee.

P.S. Sorry about the post title. I couldn't stop myself.

Happy Cheap Chocolate Egg Day

2008-03-24T19:17:00.004-04:00

Welcome once again to the day after Zombie Day. It is that wonderful day of the year when some of my favorite taste sensations get their prices slashed by fifty percent. I allow myself to have two of Mr. Cadbury's delectable treats a year. One traditional cream egg and one of the newer, more gangsta caramel egg.

A quick side note about caramel. I tried again to get my caramel malt fix at the Zesto's on the corner of E Confederate and Moreland. Those fuckers don't carry it anymore! And once again I have to say that "NO! Butterscotch is in no way a valid option to caramel, you stupid dicks!" Thank god for the Ponce de Leon Zesto's. Who knows what kind of murderous rampage they helped our wonderful city avoid.

Anyhoo, I hope everybody had a good Zombie Day. I got no ham this year, but rather some rather delicious rack o' lamb with a very good rosemary demi glace. I'm not really a big lamb fan, or a big rosemary fan but it was great. Maybe I'll run by Publix or Kroger on the way home and get a reduced-for-quick-sale ham and (not green) chocolate eggs.

Oh, and mad props to Kuro for finding me some Buffalo Trace. That shit is so good. In honor of him finding it I finished off my old bottle (bought two Decembers ago). There wasn't even half a finger left in there, but I was saving it. There was less than eighth of an inch in my glass (not the bottle, but my bourbon sippin' glass) and worth savoring.

Maybe in three days time there will be a full bottle back sitting in my liquor cabinet (aka the top of my fridge).

Behind the curve

2008-03-20T20:20:00.003-04:00

Finally got around to watching King of Kong last night. I wanted to see it when it first came out, but I'm really bad about getting to see movies. I usually only end up seeing bad movies in the theater and never getting around to see something I really want. I see about ten movies a year and normally only one or two of them is something I was looking forward to.

Hell, I don't even get around to watching them on DVD very often. I don't have Netflix because I don't watch DVDs very much. I'd rather surf the channels, surf the intarweb, or read a book, or some combination thereof.

I'm glad that I did see this movie. I don't know if it just further solidifies my nerdliness but I loved it. It had everything. It had uberdorks. It had horrible hair and horrible clothes. It had conspiracy theories. It had The Man (really just the dork establishment) picking on the little guy. I heartily recommend it to everybody.

On a side note, I will no longer have to shush people who want to talk about No Country for Old Men (btw, thanks for inviting me to see it with you, you fucking fucks). I'm catching it over at the Midtown Art Cinema once I get out of work. A 2205 show is perfect for me to catch after work. It's also a bonus that they sell PBR. Too bad I still have to drive home.

Hmmm.....they are still showing There Will Be Blood at The Plaza. Maybe I'll catch that this weekend. If you are a fellow survivor of the Downtown Atlanta Tornado 2008 and want to see it drop me a line.

Elderly Test

2008-03-19T18:52:00.002-04:00

Well, I guess I'm officially getting old. How do I know, you ask? The fact that in less than half a year the big three-oh is a reality? That I'm constantly looking at my 401(k)? That I'm worried about a hip fracture at any time?

Nope. Four words from a small Asian woman. "You want eyebrows trimmed?"

At least she didn't ask about the ear hair. I'm pricing coffins later tonight.

Act of Sham

2008-03-15T14:49:00.002-04:00

I'm officially pissed of at God now. His fucking tornado that swept through the ANTA ruined my Friday. No, I did not have any property damage. It was worse than that.

I was going to reward myself for not eating absolute crap during my week off and headed off to Zesto's on Ponce for a Hot Caramel Malt. Oh, those fuckers are delicious. Not only does it have the beautiful flavor of caramel and malt, but because the caramel is put in hot it forms little globules of caramel. When those little pockets of caramel goodness burst in your mouth it is transcendent.

So there LB and I are sitting second in line at the Zesto's pickup window. The rain is picking up. There has been some serious electrical activity for the past 10 minutes. Then most of the lights go out, but there still is power inside the building. Hope is alive! Wait for it. Wait for it. 4 minutes later everything goes dark.

Fuck! Maybe our malts are already made. Immediately all the cars behind us in the drive through pull out and head back to Ponce. We wait a few minutes (for the really heavy rain to pass if nothing else) and decide to leave.

We have to go to the Zesto's in L5P to assuage the craving. That sucks because they don't have caramel. Really, what kind of fucking ice cream shop doesn't have caramel? Douchenoodles! Offer me butterscotch instead? Are you fucking mental? I have to get a peach malt which doesn't exactly work well with a straw.

Then, if I want to watch anything on the networks it is all storm coverage! Well, the only thing on the networks I wanted to watch was Poker after Dark, but still. Yahweh, consider yourself on notice. If the Braves win the World Series (of Baseball) this year we can talk.

Live from Limerick

2008-03-14T18:28:00.003-04:00

Mmmmmm.......PBR. It tastes so good when it hits my lips.

Alright, lets see how I did this week.

Saturday I did get over to The New Yorker Deli and had the Peachtree Pastrami sandwich. Nothing exciting there.

Sunday I did drink. Nothing exciting there.

Monday I did have El Myr for lunch and it was the bomb diggity. Then Kuro and I did make it out to Limerick (woohoo!) for our free Guinness pint glasses. I know have an entire shelf in my cupboard dedicated to Guinness tulip glasses (well, not really but I could).

Tuesday I made good on my promise to finally try out the fried chicken at Watershed. It was good, but I wouldn't give it the crazy accolades that they normally seem to garner. You get half a chicken (not a large chicken either), two biscuits, mashed potatoes and some green beans. These were not the ham stock simmered green beans of great happiness that I got on my last trip to Watershed, but were ok. However the mashed potatoes were fucking awesome.

I stayed up until 0545 playing the online poker that night. It also marked my switch up from NL10 to NL25. Pounding drinks and pounding poker until 0545 are not a good idea when you have to be up at 1000 to go eat a ghetto burger.

So Wednesday rolls around much too early and Kuro is outside waiting for me and our appointment with Miss Anne. We get there just before 1100 (when we thought they opened) and were the only people there. Miss Anne kindly informed us she opened at 1130. So Kuro fired up his laptop (somehow he forgot to tell me to bring mine) for some PLO action while I tried to will some hunger into being. As somebody who normally eats lunch at 1530 and was a wee bit hungover the prospect of a pound of ground beef topped with Kraft cheese, bacon, and chili a that time of day was a little daunting.

It was an experience that I will never forget and I was glad I had a veteran with me to avoid some rookie pitfalls. Miss Anne's technique is unique to her, but it is her place and she can do whatever the fuck she wants and I think the results speak for themselves. She does all that they say not to do when making burgers. She squeezes them down multiple times with the spatula, she flips them about 15 times, she doesn't prep any veggies and just cuts them with a paring knife over the griddle.

But Holy Fuck it is delicious. I was only able to take down half of mine and the full complement of fries. Kuro also only ate half. If I had waited in line and gotten the full Miss Anne's experience (and it was at least an hour later) I think I could eat the whole thing.

Kuro dropped me off back at my place and then I napped for 3 hours. I went up to Limerick (natch!) at 1730 to meet Tumor Todd and do a little pregame pitcher consumption. The Built to Spill show was at 2030 and Empire met me up there for a little pregame as well, then we rolled over to the show while nicely lubricated.

We got there just in time for the Meat Puppets and a seat in the limited seating section. I had never seen them before but they were pretty fucking good. I emptied my bladder just in time to get back for BTS to take the stage.

They were rocking out but this fucking douchecake in front of us wouldn't shut the fuck up. He was chatting up some broad. Now, I'm pretty passive and would have let this go on another song before saying something but Empire was having none of it. It also helps that he said something instead of me because he is more likely to be taken seriously. He's over 6 foot (6'8" with the beard) and I'm 5'8" (5'7" with the beard), not to mention he looks a little Kaczynski-ish.

Anyways, I don't know what he said to him to start but then dude tries to say something and Empire tells him "I'm not talking to you" (or some such). Douchenugget sits down for the rest of the song and keeps looking back over his shoulder at Empire every ten seconds. The song ends and Senor Fucknoodle turns around and starts spouting shit like "get off your high horse, mister morality". Empire and I just laugh at him while the girl tries to calm him down and takes him outside to have a smoke.

My guess is that cuntnugget was chatting up one of his friend's girlfriends and thought we were calling him out on that when all everybody wanted was him to shut the fuck up. Oh well, the show was fucking amazing and Built to Spill still fucking has it.

Oh, and that second half of the ghetto burger was really fucking good when I got home. I wish I had one now.

Thursday found me having nothing to do but drink. Guess I need to stick to my strengths. I ran some errands before the Sweetwater tour, and remembered that they give you tickets when you get there that you exchange for drinks. So, I ran by Office Depot with the intention of maybe picking up some extra tickets. But the tickets said Office Depot on them, so I thought there was no chance that the brewery would use those.

So I meet up with The Limey, Douchington, and Kuro and we roll over to the brewery. Heading against traffic it only takes 10-15 minutes from my house. So we get over there and don't you know the raffle ticket thingees are Office Depot brand. However, my honesty was rewarded because the glass I got hat 8 instead of 6 drink tickets in it. Also, in only two hours my glass was never empty and 8 was the perfect number of beers to have (short pours).

We rolled up to Manny's after that for some foodage and I must say Manny's ribs never disappoint. Bruiser and Empire came out for some foodage but didn't hang around for cards. Kuro was so tired and practically passing out, but he stayed strong and propped up the game so we were four handed.

I managed to drop two buy-ins quite quickly but some clawed my way back to positive. Good times were had by me. Oh, and the fifth Jager Bomb of the vacation.

That brings us to today. Happy Steak and Blowjob day. Also my liveblogging of mini pub crawl. Two whole pubs and four whole PBRs. I would do more but it is Friday and the bars are starting to fill up.

PPC 2008

2008-03-14T18:03:00.002-04:00

I'm smack dab in the middle of PBR pub crawl 2008. It's where I cap off my vacation by taking my laptop around to area public houses and dick around on the net while drinking (AlCantHang style). Since PBR is sponsoring (by having cheap beer for me to drink) I can only go to pubs that serve the delicious brew.

Well, I actually need to leave Moe's and Joe's now and move on to Limerick. Once there I will try and do a recap of this week's activities. I don't think I ever drank PBR at Limerick. Well, it's about fucking time.

Half of vacation recap

2008-03-13T16:32:00.001-04:00

Only 4 Jager shots so far.

0430? Check!

2008-03-08T04:37:00.002-05:00

Into the vacation now. Bankroll at new heights. Can't get to sleep. Was drinking Black Velvets, and beer can't get me drunk if I have online poker to distract me. Switched to Jack and Coke (Zero)s. Reread older posts. Damn I can't write anymore. The new job has sucked all the life and fun out of me. Maybe I'll get some inspiration with a week away from the 'tards. Not fucking likely.

HUNDO

2008-03-07T18:39:00.003-05:00

I haven't been blogging lately. One reason is that this it the 100th post to this blog. I couldn't really come up with anything important enough to mark this sacred occasion. I swear it's not because I have a complete creative block and general lack o' shit to talk about. Anyway, here we go.

Sham's Tip O' The Day

If you ever need to buy kitchen tongs, do it at an Asian supermarket. You can get high quality stainless steel tongs for just over two bucks. Even at Restaurant Depot they are eight bucks wholesale. I just picked up two more pairs just because they are so fucking cheap. I also picked up a case of the good ramen for Kuro, cause buying in bulk is cool.

--

I guess I finally threw some more stuff up on teh intarwebs because I'm on vacation next week. That's right, I'm getting screwed by Daylight Savings Time. My fucking vacation is one hour shorter than everybody else's. And with new evidence that Daylight Savings Time actually wastes energy (too lazy to find link) it's a double kick in the balls.

There will be no Jager Bomb challenge this vacation. Let's just say that it will likely top 35. All I plan to do is eat good food and relax. No real surprise from my fat ass there.

Here is how the itinerary looks now:

Saturday: Lunch at The New Yorker Deli, check on Bane (catsitting for Bibbzor), drink

Sunday: Drink, Bible Study (jk, more drinking)

Monday: Lunch at El Myr, hit up Limerick with Doug and Kuro for the last day of free Guinness pint glass promotion (aka Drink)

Tuesday: Dinner at Watershed and eat the award winning fried chicken

Wednesday: Lunch at Anne's Snack Bar (home of the ghetto burger), go to the Built to Spill concert (I have a spare ticket if anybody is interested)

Thursday: Take the Sweetwater Brewery Tour again after three years

Friday: Discover cure for alopecia. I'm pretty sure it involves drinking

Saturday: How about a poker tournament? Heads up NLHE, or maybe a return of the HORSE? Also available is watching English Premier League soccer at Limerick at 1300.

Sunday: Recover.

--

Oh, and once again I've starting playing online poker. I had a losing session during lunch on Wednesday and my account was at $666. Omen? Nah, I'm back grinding and now have my biggest bankroll to date.

--

Back to politics. It is great fun watching the Democratic Party try to fuck up a gift wrapped presidential election. Somehow the Republicans didn't get some complete right wing nutjob and went with a centrist. The Democrats are fielding two far lefties and Hildog (of the snuke in the snizz) has started the mudslinging. I love it.

Really, she might be the most unelectable person possible. I have many a friend on the left who have stated the McCain v Clinton would make it hard to vote for Clinton. She really brings out the vitriol in people (myself included).

Obama is electable, despite the fact that he has done absolutely nothing. But if you can't find anything then there is nothing to attack. Well, that's not entirely true. I'm sure the Clinton camp could and would attack Mother Teresa and Martin Luther King. Obama is a gifted speaker that can inspire people. Unfortunately he is so far to the left that I couldn't vote for him in a million years.

I would love to own a TV station in Pennsylvania right now. The ad revenues for the next seven weeks must be huge.

--

Oh well, gotta go. 40 minutes till vacation and my kids are in trouble. There are tornado sirens going off in Marietta.

W00t!!11

2008-02-06T00:48:00.000-05:00

For my first railing of a tourney I just watched Kuro take down the Bodonkey. Congrats, you little bitch. You should hire me to observe.

The Real Bodonkey

2008-02-05T23:05:00.000-05:00

I get home from work and I'm greeted by CNN's Super Tuesday coverage. Mitt Romney scares me. We've already seen what happens when we have a President that doesn't drink. Shit, the man can't even have a cup of fucking coffee. He lets a book tell him that a Mountain Dew is a sin, and people are seriously considering him for the highest office in the land?

Have you ever read the Book of Mormon? My copy is sitting on my bedside table right now (under a pack of condoms). In the midst of everybody (rightfully) condemning Scientology as a cult, this man is running for President of the United States who thinks Joseph Smith translated golden plates that he received from the angel Moroni into the Book of Mormon.

He was speaking in his home state and was doing the standard spiel. The "Washington Oustider" speech. The "Let's Bring the People to Washington" speech. That hollow promise that absolute power would not change him. The promise that Republicans have been making and not keeping for as long as I've been eligible to vote. Yeah, and I bet you'd shrink government too. Pass the Koolaid, please.

At least I got to avoid Hillary's speech while cleaning the catbox.

Vote Sham for Prez! Your loyal Bull Moose candidate!

Super Stream Of Conciousness Tuesday!

2008-02-05T19:10:00.000-05:00

The fucking Giants won. I can't cheer for any team from New York. Boston is almost equally Yankeerific, but that almost is where the difference comes in. If the Yankees/Mets/Etc were playing the Al-Queda Allstars it would be a tossup.

That being said I spent a fair amount of time last week telling people to bet the Giants and and take the spread, where I saw a lot of value. I even found myself in the second half wanting the Giants to get it together for the win. Then that Tyree catch sealed it for me. The Pat's line wasn't tackling for shit. They didn't deserve to win the game.

Now it may have launched a new Manning into the stratosphere of a level advertising that has not been seen before, but I can deal with it. That's why I have a remote control (no, I don't have Tivo or a DVR, Richie Rich).

No 19-0 for the Pats. Maybe it's better this way. They can do it next year without the cloud of Spygate hanging over them, or not at all. Do they really want the Barry Bonds' type asterisk next to their record?

Whatever. I don't really give a fuck. I'm just sad the football season is over. At least I have hockey. And I've watched more basketball games in the past month than I've seen in 4 years. Baseball season isn't too far away. I can deal.

The game itself was very enjoyable. I was able to toss around some cards. I got felted when I shoved on the river with a missed draw to Kuro's rivered boat. No big deal, over half my stack was already in the middle and I the only way I would win was to a fold.

(Quick comment: Were playing "A New World", yet another variation game that has gained prominence at Poker Cat Arena. ANW is basically NLHE that turns into NLO by backwards Pineappling. You start with two, bet, flop, bet, get a card, turn, bet, get a card, river, bet. Look at all those outs! Don't even ask about Studugi.)

Jager Bombs and PBR were flowing. Wings and pizza were consumed. Unfortunately Josh had to leave early because his GF was ill, and since he carpooled with the Limey they both had to head. The most unfortunate part of that is they left when there was about 2:36 left in the game! They missed the drive! Oh well, there is always next year and whomever the Patriots play then might be able to pull some shit out of their ass as well.

Oh, and get out today and vote if your state had a primary or caucus (I write one and a half hours after the polls in the ANTA close). Unless of course you are some kind of liberal douchenoodle whose collectivist vote shouldn't count anyway. If so I hope you vote for Hillary, because that is the only way for the Democrats not to get the White House. Not that the Republicans are really giving people a viable option. Damn we need to get away from the two party system. Which leads us to the obvious:

Vote Sham for Prez! Your loyal Bull Moose candidate!

HORSE betting

2008-02-01T13:46:00.000-05:00

I know, I know. I've been saying for 6 months now that the HORSE or FISHRABOT tourney was on its way. I just sent out the email for next Satty about a HORSE tourney in my abode.

Then I look back at some recent emails about the APBT and realize that skidoo's neighborhood game is the same night. Oh well, hope I get enough people for at least a SNG.

(edit: I put the wrong date on my game. It is the 9th and skidoo's is the 8th)

Really folks, it is a chance to prove that you aren't just a one trick NLHE podonkey. It's a limit mixed game where you can prove your many skills (or in my case the lack thereof). It's also an excuse to play some Razz, bitches (for those that don't frequent the low limit home game Razz isn't Razz, it is Razz, bitches).

Or you can just show up to do some Jager Bombs and drop some cash (my usual plan). I might even stock some PBR. You can see the new cat that is staying with me. His name is Cthulu and he is cute as hell.

I just looked at the schedule for next week and it looks like whomever made the schedule wants me to have a heart attack. I have a bunch of folks off next week and the people scheduled to work for them don't know what they are doing in quite a few places. Add in no coverage for sick calls and that equals Sham needing to drop down some Jager Bombs and maybe bomb the pot (ring game only, hard to pot bomb in limit) come Saturday.

Oh, and if you didn't get the email and live in the ANTA drop me a line if you are interested. Or even if you're not. I'm so lonely.

Scott Adams Stole My Dream! Dick.

2008-01-24T20:02:00.000-05:00

Fucker. I just found out.

Ouch.

2008-01-24T13:23:00.000-05:00

This morning while preparing my lunch I suffered an injury. Unlike LT I went ahead and powered through and came into work and will put in a full day of toil.

I will put this warning out there for all the kids who play with kitchen tools. When a mandoline puts a stern warning out there to use the hand guard please pay attention! You do not want to take a dime sized piece of flesh off of your finger!

I thought at first that it would stop bleeding soon. I was wrong. I put a compress on it and shoved my hand into a food service glove so I could finish making my salad and sandwich (lunch of champions). I finished food prep twenty minutes late and was unable to have breakfast (100% Kona coffee and oatmeal) before work.

Shit, I had to wear that fucking glove in the shower and getting dressed. Let me tell you that latex gloves and zippers do not mix. I changed the compress to a large bandaid (50 minutes after initial injury) and it was still bleeding. I slathered the wound with Neosporin to try and form a blood barrier and get the bandaid on.

I put on another glove (the previous was let us say....completely contaminated) and drove to work. After another bandaid change (and slather) I was finally able to not have to use a glove. I have a double bandaid on my pinkie and the tip is already numb. This looks to be an interesting day.

So next time you think that "it won't happen to me" remember that warnings are for a reason. That is not to say that I used the hand guard when slicing the cucumber (the injury occurred with the carrots), but I'm a slow learner.

Tender regrets.

2008-01-23T15:01:00.000-05:00

So last night for dinner I made my version of white boy larb. It is something quick and easy that isn't too bad for me that I can grab the ingredients for in a seven minute grocery trip.

It's basically ground pork served in cabbage or lettuce cups. I couldn't find any napa last night so it was lettuce. Also thrown in are onion and garlic but what defines the dish is the cilantro and lime (juice and zest). Of course spices are thrown in with a focus on Sriracha and other bold flavors that are counteracted by the tartness of the lime.

But after my third trip to the bathroom today (and one in the middle of the night) I'm thinking two poblanos and five habaneros might have been too much.

Late Bach Review

2008-01-22T17:26:00.000-05:00

Well, in anticipation of Kuro dining at Bacchanalia tonight I will have to give the review of my dining experience there a little over a week ago. Since my French is rusty (aka nonexistent, I refuse to speak the language of those fromage eating surrender monkeys) don't expect a particularly well done review (yes, I know the cuisine is technically Modern American).

The prix fixe menu is $72 or $115 with the wine pairings. You choose a starter, a main, a cheese/contrast then finish off with a dessert. When I first saw this I wasn't sure it was enough meal for the price. Of course I was wrong. What the fuck do I know about fine dining? That's right, not a fucking thing. Just bring me my wine!

I didn't know that the chef would be sending out smaller courses throughout the night in between courses. There was the amuse bouche of some sort of savory cheese gougère that was delicious to start the evening off. Then there was an amazing small cup of carrot and ginger soup before we even got to the beginning of the ordered dishes.

I don't have the menu in front of me now, as it changes nightly (according to the season and fresh ingredients), and my copy from that night is in my laptop bag that is sitting at home. That means I can't rightly recall all the details of my exact order (especially the wine pairings). My first item was Georgia white shrimp in a spicy consommé. Our server made sure to point out before ordering that the consommé was especially spicy tonight. My interest was immediately piqued.

And that was my only disappointment of the evening. While the consommé was quite good and very flavorful I would never classify it as spicy. The shrimp was also slightly overcooked. The tiny mushrooms (don't remember the exact name) were woody and an excellent complement to the rest of the dish. My Riesling was also very complimentary.

LB got the Gulf Crab Fritter with Thai Pepper Essence. I can't say enough about how good my single bite was. So I won't.

Before the main the chef sent out a dish of diver scallops with what I am guessing was julienned carrot and Jerusalem artichoke. I am not a real scallop fan, but I this dish was enough to make me a believer. I guess I just do not enjoy sea scallops, or poorly prepared scallops.

My main was Pan Roasted Lamb with Root Vegetables. I didn't go with the steak offering because they had changed it from a ribeye to a strip. Now I loved my 28 day dry aged beef, but wasn't feeling the ribeye (though I know Kuro will most likely go for the steak option). The lamb was (duh!) excellent and I was quite happy with my decision as I could feel myself filling up. I was not blown away by the Cabernet Sauvignon that was paired with it, but that may have been because the week before I had opened up a bottle of Gordon Brothers 2000 Cab that I had been cellaring.

Next up was the cheese/contrast course. Both LB and I went with the Pecorino Romano with Baby Arugula with a nice lemon juice and olive oil vinaigrette. I could only pick at it knowing dessert would soon be on the way.

Before the proper dessert we were served a warm spiced (not spicy, so the nomenclature was correct) cider with what I believe was a shortbread cookie.

For dessert I had selected the Meyer Lemon Shaker Pie with Buttermilk Ice Cream. It was this about three inch in diameter perfect little pie with a quenelle of ice cream on the side. It was very tart (which I love) and the bite was taken out if you made sure to eat some ice cream at the same time. LB had some toffee date cake thingee, but I was far too full to be doing a bite of anybody else's food. I was enjoying the Muscat, and finally understood why there are dessert wines. I normally enjoy a nice Port, but was willing to forgo it on that night.

As I sit there replete with fine food they have the audacity to bring more out! A selection of petit fours (and there were four of each!) was placed on the table as LB enjoyed her coffee. If that wasn't enough they brought out two lemon madeleine cookies as well!

Not only was the food at a level that I have rarely experienced, but the service was amazing. If you have ever dined with me you know that I suck down water at a prodigious rate. The water glasses at the restaurant were quite modestly sized, but I was never empty (I also had a prop bet that I would elbow a server in the chest/groin [depending on height] on accident before the night was over and was not let down by my innate inadvertent clumsiness).

The manager/sommelier also came over to talk to us after the meal. We were one of the last table of diners (as will happen with a 2115 reservation) and he recognized LB from her frequent trips to Star Provisions. He had been working the counter there and managing the restaurant at night (but was now just managing) and she had told him all about the bacon gifts she had gotten me for Xmas. (Have I mentioned how disappointing the bacon popcorn was? At least the bacon brittle was to fucking die for.)

Overall rating: 9.4 out of 10 possible Gustatory Gourmand Gestures

Oh, and had a serious case of The Itis afterward. We were supposed to go out for a drink with friends but ended up just crashing on the couch and loosening our belts and groaning.

--

I did finally buy a new laptop. It was uber cheap and I have started playing teh online pkr again. I did go ahead and cancel my home internet (fuck you Comcast, it wasn't fucking working anyway) and now just tether my phone (I fucking love this Pearl) to the new comp for all my interweb needs.

I was running well then Friday night had three of my sets get sucked out on the river (with it all in on flop or turn) by gutterballs. I obeyed the ape and just walked away. Perhaps tonight I'll roll over to Manny's and have a few beers to get back in the mood for playing.

"Even a blind monkey can fuck a nut once."

2008-01-02T17:29:00.000-05:00

Is going to be the quote of the year. I uttered it yesterday morn in regards to an acquaintance not screwing up the preparation of potatoes on NYE.

Happy New Year and all that shit. Thanks to everybody who made it over to my place yesterday. Don't expect me to serve prime rib next time (that shit is as expensive as it is delicious). Also don't expect me to ever cook greens or black eyed peas unless tradition demands it (blech!). And that was the only expensive bottle of wine that was in the house, so no more good wine either. Well, unless Lito goes back to Germany again soon and brings me some back again.

Maybe he can travel now that he will be gainfully employed again. He should by now finished hammering out his contract with the Miscellaneous Sex Company (not the actual name) for his VP position. Time for my loan (the reason I didn't do December bloggers trip) to get called in. It will be good to have him with positive cash flow. It is important for a person with his generous nature to have money (cause who doesn't like a free drink every now and again?).

Well, we've covered quote for the new year and job for the new year. What's up next? Oh yeah, link for the new year.

As for New Year's Resolutions I will always keep it simple. My fat ass will likely remain fat, so I don't think that resolution is in order. Surf has done a great job in dropping weight, but I'm not sure I can be held to his lofty expectations. Speaking of the man he was talking about updating his blogroll. Maybe that should be my resolution. Before the year is out I will actually have a blogroll. I read a lot of blogs, but don't link to any of them.

As for pokery type stuff I will actually start playing this year. Once I buy a new computer that is. The Pearl will be very helpful in this connection wise. First the new comp, then I'll start up accounts on Tilt and the rest. Bodog has had me chained to their sole teat for too long.

For some reason Gnome thinks that I could have game (if I did the requisite poker book reading and CR offense viewing). Let's hope he's right. I think he just wants his seed money back from when he first got me into this internet pokering stuff. If I turn a profit in the next year it will be due solely to him encouraging me. Oh, and Kuro might have a role if he wants to break down my many mistakes.

Anyway, the new year promises to be very interesting. A lot of cool stuff is on the horizon. I'm turning 30 this year (as is the rest of the old school crew). Matt's going to tie the knot. The aforementioned job for Lito. Kuro is going to reveal his secret chocolate chip cookie recipe. Empire and Da Bruiser will try and not have their home broken into. The Limey may try to find a job after being back in the US for two plus years (he hasn't indicated anything, I just think it would be funny). The Tucker hermit may venture out of Tucker (hell, he made it to my place yesterday). Bibbzor will have to find a job (he can't pull a Limey and wait two plus years).

All I know is that if I'm in the same position at work next year please shoot me.

When we last saw our hero......

2007-12-26T14:51:00.000-05:00

He was about to head into the most hellishly busy part of the year. Fuck you JVC. Fuck you shitty coworkers. Fuck you asshole customers. Fuck you incompetent management. Fuck you employees who don't do right.

But it's all better now. Xmas is in the past and I can relax. The way people react to PEAK season would make you think we hadn't done this before. That the last X number of years around this time it was any different.

It was pretty bad last week. I got pretty damn stressed and went out to buy myself a Xmas present. I had been eyeing Gnome's Blackberry Pearl for the past year and found out I could get the new Pearl for $50 so I went ahead and did so. It's pretty fucking sweet. I don't need it, but that is 87.2% of the fun.

Xmas itself was pretty good. I got up at 1000 to start cooking. I had taken a trip to YDFM (Your Dekalb Farmer's Market) over the weekend and got some nice fresh vegetables and cheeses.

I made a honey brined turkey breast, mashed potatoes, cauliflower gratin, green beans simmered in freshly made ham stock, and some honey roasted parsnips. My mother brought over a the traditional sweet potato souffle and pumpkin pie, both made with Splenda in deference to my father who is diabetic. I used the new Kitchenaid stand mixer I got for Xmas to make some Amaretto whipped cream (heavy cream, sugar, and Disarono. I don't know why I have Disarono. It's not like I drink it. I also have a bottle of off brand Amaretto. Dunno why. The world is a funny place sometimes) to top the slices of the non-diabetics. It was far too much food for five people, even people as large as my family (except Mom, who is looking quite good especially considering her latest adventures in cardiovascular surgery).

I have to give mad props to LB, who came over and helped with the cooking when she heard that I was in the weeds. She also provided the ham bones to make the ham stock and the recipe for honey roasted parsnips that my father really liked (well, it was salt and pepper the parsnips, roast them off then toss with honey). Without her help it would have taken me at least an hour longer to finish cooking. I staved off hunger for a while by pan frying some Halloumi with a little fresh lemon juice squeezed over it to serve as an appetizer.

It was a weird day for Loki. Xmas Eve was the first time he had interaction with dogs when my parents came by with Amantha and Crabby Sue on their way up to the hotel. He dealt pretty well, just was curious as to what the fuck they were. Then Xmas day LB's dog Mojo comes over and then my parents dogs are over later in the day. Loki didn't hiss at them or get territorial. I was kinda hoping he would kick Crabby Sue's ass but no such luck.

Everything was going fine until my sister flipped her bitch switch. I really should start setting a timer so I can accurately judge how long it takes to reach Familial Meltdown. My sister is always the source, and it is normally caused by her crazy ass feud with our cousin (they share a first name) who isn't even at the family gathering. Drama queen/compulsive liar takes the fore and turns a nice time into an awkward morass of embarrassment and abuse of our mother's emotions.

She left without her gifts so I thought I should get her new coffeemaker, but that was not the case. She also left before I could cut her a check for my half of the presents for our parents (dishwasher for Mom, chest freezer for Dad). I'll have to call her in a few weeks to arrange payment. The real problem is I had made up a 15"x11" pan full of food for her to take home for herself and the new BF that she left behind. I don't have the fridge room or the belly room to take care of the sheer volume of leftovers (damn double portion of cauliflower gratin! And did I really need to make two pounds of green beans and three pounds of potatoes?).

I was really happy to have Xmas dinner at my place. It was the first time my parents have come up here since they both moved to Florida. Everything just worked out this time. My sister had moved back to the ANTA and we both have jobs that require us to be there on Xmas Eve and the day after. My mother still is in no condition to be slaving over a huge meal (though she would). The only bad part of having it at my place was that I (a non-believer) was asked to say grace. Both my parents snickered and looked to ceiling as if expecting lightning or somesuch.

If I am going to do this again (and I hope I get to) I will try and invite as many people as I can. Not just to have more people to spread out the leftovers, but I discovered that I like cooking in large quantities. I like preparing a menu and carrying it out. Normally when I cook for myself I just make and entree and leave it at that. If I have a side it is most certainly an afterthought.

Oh, and I ended up using my blowtorch for the first time. Banana brulee over cinnamon dulce de leche ice cream. Simply fucking delicious. Like I really needed to eat any more that day, but whatever. Xmas only comes once a year.

And That's All I Have To Say About That

2007-12-17T21:09:00.000-05:00

Tits Have Points

Dude #1: Yo, check it out: this chick in the lecture I was just in -- huge tits, bro.
Dude #2: Yeah?
Dude #1: Yeah. Fucking bombs.
Dude #2: That's it? That's the story? I mean, I like tits, but there's gotta be a point to a story, man.
Dude #1, after long pause: ... Fag.

--Kimmel Center, NYU

Overheard by: that guy

via Overheard in New York, Dec 15, 2007

Oh Yeah

2007-12-10T00:09:00.000-05:00

Congrats to Kuro for the Live Bloggermentation. Show those bitches how to suck it.

Recap

2007-12-10T00:02:00.000-05:00

Did I meet my goals? Shammie Snack: Yes. Bar patronage: No. Not even close. I am getting really fuckin' old.

I have a large recap as my vacation is now officially over. I have done nothing. The laziness of this week has spilled over and I now will not do a real recap.

I will just leave y'all with the most important thing I learned this week. Ethiopian food leaves me with wicked killer flatulence. When you have to crack the window on a homegrown you know it is bad.

Tittyfish Redux

2007-12-08T21:50:00.001-05:00

I've never done the Youtube thing before so let us see if this works. This is for all y'all out there who didn't see the Metalocalypse episode with the song.

Count

2007-12-07T02:20:00.000-05:00

Shammie Snack (aka Jager Bomb) count is at 17.

Vacamotherfuckation

2007-12-04T00:57:00.000-05:00

Oh god I love vacation. I set goals for this week. I will have to be in a bar every day this week (drinking, I'm not sure if that was implied). That didn't used to have to be a goal, but I guess I'm getting old. I will have to have 20 Jager bombs (current count 7, way above my computed rate). I will have to get Kuro drunk (done and done). I will have to complete my only household project, the tabletopper (done and done, but the quality is suspect). I will have to eat lunch at all the places I don't normally get to (El Myr is checked off the list now).

So tomorrow is Kuro's birthday so I will be having a game. Good thing I got off my ass today and completed the tabletopper project. I will be making venison chili for the game (unless I get lazy and decide not to) and stocking up on two bottles of Jager (should go nicely with the 42 cans of Red Bull in my house). I might just pick up some Prosecco for the bubbly factor.

I've also learned some things. I learned that really good orange juice will make really bad champagne taste super awesome. I love mimosas and have had this bottle of Frexinet in the back of the fridge for almost two years. Add some Simply Orange and you have some super delicious drinkage.

I've learned that as much as Loki likes having me home (so he can sit on my lap and prevent me from reading my book) he still won't fucking listen to me. Kitty loves felt and doesn't like the fact that I'm keeping him off the tabletopper.

Speaking of said 'topper, it looks pretty cool right now. I have used all of my old college textbooks to press down the corners and help dry the glue. I have yet to check the business side so it may look like complete shit with folds and other gaps when I turn it over tomorrow.

I will leave y'all with a new term I am trying to bring to the public consciousness. If you get sufficiently mad at somebody, or just want to have fun in the girly chat, call somebody a Douchenoodle (tm).

Next Week: The Douchenugget (tm), definition and proper uses of.

Diablo's Revenge

2007-12-01T19:30:00.000-05:00

For lunch (at 1530, I eat lunch late) today I made my triumphant return to Nuevo Laredo. It is the best Mexican restaurant in the ANTA. Nowhere else comes close, not even the places on Buford Highway where you will be the only gringo in the joint.

Nuevo Laredo is off in an industrial area just west of downtown and not too far from Tech's campus. I first discovered it in '98 and have not changed my opinion of it. It is simply the best.

The food is all fresh and delicious, not to mention authentic. The margaritas are (of course) Texas style and wonderful. I don't normally eat salsa, but Jesus Fucking Christ it is amazing. The queso? Don't even get me started.

The menu is beautiful. My first time there I was surprised not to see the order by number combination menu that every other Mexican restaurant I had been to had. The last section is entitled Hamburgers Para Gringos and only has one item in it.

I heartily recommend everything in the specialties section. I had the Chicken Mole the time before last I was there. I never liked mole before then. My absolute favorite is the Steak Diablo. My god, I could do shots of the chili sauce. If you can't handle spice I would go with my next favorite, the Tampiquena Steak.

But don't try to go on a Friday or Saturday night (closed Sunday, I found out the hard way). You will be waiting a while. But you could get yourself a pitcher of margaritas and shoot the shit on the porch out front. I've frozen my ass of doing that in the winter.

So I normally go during off hours. Because I'm used to lunch at 1530 on weekdays I can do lunch at the same time on Saturday. That Steak Diablo today was the best meal I've had in recent memory. I groaned with pleasure many times during my meal. The waitress gave me sympathetic looks. I stuffed myself and almost finished the entire plate.

The end result is that I had a nice food coma to watch the SEC Championship game today. Is it just me or does Les Miles look like Kurt Russell with fetal alcohol syndrome?

The other end result of the meal was later in coming. I was supposed to go to a show with Matt this evening. I get up and walk outside to wait for him to pick me up when there is a telltale rumble from my lower GI tract. There is no way I'm going to the Masquerade when a toilet trip is in my near future, so I had to tell Matt to go on without me.

I made the correct decision. As soon as I was back upstairs I was very glad to have Charmin Ultra Strong on hand.

The moral of this story? Don't stuff yourself. Take the remainder of your meal home, don't try to power through the meal. Or just make sure you have a roll of CUS on hand.

Tittyfish

2007-11-30T17:44:00.000-05:00

I walked into the breakroom today to scarf down my greasy lunch to find the womenfolk of the office watching Oprah. While I crammed the burger and fries from Five Guys down my gullet I was subjected to seeing The O "interview" Vince Gill and Amy Grant. Even after watching that I still couldn't pick either of them out of a lineup.

The good news is while watching Senor Gill croon one of his shitty songs I was reminded of William Murderface. I am so happy that Metalocalypse is in a second season that it got me through lunch with Oprah. Gill reminded me of Murderface in the episode this year where he tried his hand at songwriting.

The problem is that I now have the song stuck in my head. I like this song, but it sucks having it stuck in my head because I can't sing it aloud without fear of a harassment suit. Here is the song in its entirety.

A million miles from nowhere, a dragonlance burns hot.
While the fire of a horse's ghost; a minnow would be lost.
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Mmmmm, tits. A fish. A fish with tits.
Tittyfish.

Untitled - W. Murderface

The difference between Murderface and Gill is that Murderface can make a poorly written song awesome. Murderface has zazz and all Gill has is suck.

The legacy of lunch doesn't end there. The amount of grease consumed is making its presence known. I don't normally have that much grease and I am now considering bringing a travel roll of Charmin Ultra Strong into work.

I just need this fucking week to end. My plans for next week are as follows.

1. Do nothing
2. Drink
3. Repeat

Man I love weeks off work with no plans. I wish I could have scraped up enough funds to join the bloggers in Vegas but it was not to be. If any of y'all out there feel like extending the dial-a-shot I keep a bottle of Jager in my freezer at all times. At all other times next week I plan on being in a bar.

Or, if you are in the ANTA and feel like making your liver take a contract out on you give me a ring. Or, if you are in the ANTA and are handing out bags of cash please give me a call.

TP for me

2007-11-28T14:02:00.000-05:00

Where's the "and" key?

-One of my kids when I told him to reboot his Pocket PC by pressing CLEAR, H, and GO.

The recent rage seems to be regaling folks with Empire and Da Bruisers misfortune in the continuing series Tales From A Transient Neighborhood. Naturally, I need to take it in another direction.

Should I talk about the game last night where my straights were gold and flopped boats always lose? Should I remark about how winter is here so I must prepare to not be able to breathe through my nose for the next four months? An explanation of my football team's implosion and possible candidates for the head coaching vacancy? Maybe a well thought out treatise on the current political situation we are in?

Nah, better stick with what I know.

So I've found a new toilet paper that I absolutely love. I written in the past about how quality TP is very important to me and how it tells you a lot about a person. After years of searching I have found the perfect combination of strength and softness.

I had just taken a BFS and was dealing with the necessary anus maintenance. I first noticed the difference between this TP and my former brand while tearing the first four sheets along the perforation.

A quick side note. I have a method. The first wipe is four sheets folded down to a pad the size of a single sheet. Wipe, fold, continue until there is no way to fold and not sully the hand. The second wipe is three sheets. Any subsequent wipes (if necessary) are also three squares. More on why this is important later.

There was some bulk to those first four sheets. The felt heavy in the hand, much like a perfect clementine does (or any other quality citrus). They folded easily and had a nice feel.

The sheets caressed my dirt star and did and admirable job of ablution. Much like a fine wine had a good mouth feel this paper had a good ass feel. The second assembly of paper was taken by habit, but not really needed!

This stuff was great! It was more than simple, pedestrian toilet paper. This was like laving your chocolate dot with the napkin from a fine dining restaurant. Ass linen, if you will. Maybe even a kind of toilet papyrus.

I imagine if one had the opportunity to use the wrappings from an Egyptian ruler's mummy to lustrate their hairy hole it would feel this good. I felt like I should have annointed my tootsie roll lacuna with precious oils afterward.

I was so moved by the experience that when I vacated my throne I dug through the trash can for the discarded shrink wrap from the 12 pack. I had to know what was going to be my brand of the future. Charmin Ultra will now the the only guest accompanying me as I drop the kids off at the pool.

I look forward to a time when I can clean myself up after a round of the Pabst Shits and not worry about breakthrough and possible contamination. A lavatory paper that can stand up to some serious Dutch Piss (urban dictionary is your friend) is nothing to be scoffed at.

There is also the conservation angle. I'm not going to go all Sheryl Crow on you bitches, but it will enable me to use less squares. The first wave is being cut down from four to three soldiers. I have a proposal before the committee to take the subsequent (if necessary, say after a Mexican meal) waves whittled down to two sheets.

Hell, if there is a cleanly pinched loaf I may even be able to pull of holy grail of wipes, The Uno. I'll keep you posted.

Now back to work and swearing to never buy a JVC product because those motherfuckers are dildoes (or is it dildos? I'm not googling the proper spelling while at work).

Y chromosome required to read this post

2007-11-25T15:04:00.000-05:00

I know all y'all out there have been waiting patiently to find out which platform I would go with for my cordless power tools. After years of deliberations with Dewalt, B & D, and Rigid I've made my decision. The dark horse of Ryobi has lured me away with their ONE+ 18V system.

No, it had nothing to do with the ridonkulously low price at the Depot of Home. I swear. OK, yeah it did. I would have preferred to buy a combo set that had a reciprocating saw but I can't pass over the opportunity to buy a circular saw and 1/2" drill for the price of only one of the items (plus a flashlight and some weird radio dealy). Also, the combo that had the reciprocating saw was four times the price.

To show my allegiance to my new corporate partners I also purchased a 6" bench grinder. Why do I need a bench grinder? I really don't know, but I do know it was twenty bucks. Do you have a bench grinder? I didn't think so, so next time you need something ground on a bench don't come crying to me.

The most amusing thing to me is that I only went out to get a propane torch. No, not only for making creme brulee. There are plenty of other brulees out there to make. The Maillard reaction is a wonderful thing.

Wait! I meant that I bought it for soldering or some other manly enterprise. Like, um....FIRE GOOD! ::grunt grunt grunt::

I think American Express might think that I'm setting up a torture chamber. Pretty much all I would have had to tag along with my purchase would be some bamboo. Well, that and a plane ticket to Gitmo.

This may have been my most mantastic purchase ever. I hope to upgrade one day and buy a riding mower and a 90 inch flatscreen, or my own football team/strip club. Until that day, though, this day wins.

Mmmmm....turkey

2007-11-22T13:07:00.000-05:00

Happy Turkey Day motherfuckers. I'm doing my good deed for the day and cooking a turkey breast to take over to vegetarian Thanksgiving. Y'all out there in interwebland remember to do your good deed and give thanks for a day off work.

Except for those poor fucks that have to work today, like the entire staff of my neighborhood Kroger. Man, that fucking place was packed. I just needed some extra stock to make gravy, but it looked like pre-hurricane conditions there.

People were queuing up in the parking lot for spaces and behaving generally like assholes do in crowded parking lots. Inside it was a war zone. Hipsters and single fathers trying to figure out what all is needed for a Thanksgiving dinner. I had to keep from cringing when I overheard an assertion that you really didn't need to use fresh herbs and that dried were just as good.

But I will applaud whoever is in charge of the Edgewood Kroger. It was fully staffed and nobody seemed too pissed they were working on a holiday. The staff looked a lot better than all the patrons with thousand yard stares.

Seriously, if you are buying a turkey (possibly frozen!) after noon on Thanksgiving you are truly fucked. If you are comparing disposable roasting pans you are boned. Give it up and order Dominoes. Trust me, the kids will appreciate it.

Of course, there is no guarantee that my turkey breast will turn out well. I haven't cooked a turkey in a couple years much less tried to make my own gravy. Hell, the gravy is a spur of the moment thing but I thought I would try something new. The carnivores at Veggiegiving will hopefully appreciate the effort.

Well, I need to go baste the breast again. Good luck Falcons, you fucking need it.

Like there was ever any doubt

2007-11-19T13:20:00.000-05:00

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Heh

2007-11-12T20:39:00.001-05:00

I was in cab number 1337 on Saturday night. Too bad my cameraphone can't take pictures worth a fuck.

Tagg'd

2007-11-08T19:47:00.000-05:00

Well, another tired internet/blog meme type thing is making the rounds. Kuro, that motherfucker, tagg'd me so by the hippobloggic oath I must participate.

Here's the rules:
A). Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog...
B). Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself...
C). Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs...
D). Let each person know that they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog...

I don't remember what I did last time this tag hit me, and I am far too lazy to go into my archives and look it up. So, if there are any repeats, you can eat the peanuts out of my corn encrusted shit.

1. I'm an asshole. Have you read Confederacy of Dunces? Yeah, like that. Imagine Simon Cowell with an impacted colon or Dick Cheney with a yeast infection. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before, but you can suck my taint.

2. I've worn corrective lenses since I was seven, but they still have yet to give me lenses that correct my astigmatism. Either that, or my right eye is possessed by a blurriness demon.

3. I am extremely lazy. You can reference my beer bath posts on that one. Think Hedonism Bot from Futurama crossed with Comic Book Guy crossed with a sloth crossed with a park bench aspiring to be molasses in January.

4. I can't commit to a tattoo. I'm not even sure I would want one, but I think I should at least have something in reserve in case it comes up sometime (maybe a blind date activity). The best I've come up with so far is a pitcher of beer with a halo over it. However, while discussing it the problem of having that tattoo during an AA barbecue on the beach in 20 years seems weird. Maybe we will have the flying cars we were promised by then, so it's a good trade off.

5. I also can't commit to Atheism. I just don't see much of a difference in Atheism and any true Deism. That kind of rock hard belief I reserve for tangible things like porn and cheeseburgers. I find preachy atheists just as annoying as my bible thumping uncle. The good thing is I can be rude to them and still get tasty vittles at Thanksgiving.

6. My testicles are a perfect 1:256^66 replica of a KBO in the Kuiper Belt (a periodic comet I believe) that I have nicknamed "Lonestarr".

7. My morning breath reminds all who smell it of kitten farts.

Can you tell I ran out of steam at the end there? Anyway, on to the tags.

Jesus
Shiva
That guy from that episode of Friends that you liked
Jean-Paul Satre

Ok, that's enough. I have to finish my reports here at work and then clock out.

P.S. Bacon is life.

In Florida

2007-10-19T22:34:00.000-04:00

There is nothing I like more than to get a phone call from my father telling me my mother has just gone in for triple bypass surgery. The good news is they caught it early. She was at the doctor and they didn't like some of the test results so told her to drive to the hospital to check herself in for more tests. The doctors at the hospital really didn't like what they saw and cleared out an operating suite immediately.

So, here I am. Even though there was nothing I could do I left work, grabbed leftover luggage from last week at home, and jumped on the road. Nine hours later I'm at their house. She came through the surgery fine, but is too zonked out for me to go see her. I'll go in first thing in the morning tomorrow. She'll be in the hospital for at least five more days, so it's not like I'm needed to help out around the house.

That's not the point though. Sometimes you just do the irrational thing and jump in the car. I suppose I could draw some allegory here, but I'm not up to it right now.

It seems weirdly normal to be sitting at the kitchen table and tapping away on my laptop while my father is in his office doing the same. My family, or rather myself, are not very big on communication (leave me alone grammar police) so he and I have not spoken very much today. A couple terse phone calls and then a brief conversation as I ate some food brought over by a neighbor.

I guess it is because it is so unexpected. My father, sister, and I all remarked that we would never have picked my mother out for heart problems. She never smoked, drank very little very occasionally (rum cake would get her tipsy), and was on a diet an exercise regime and had lost 30 lbs in the past year. Truth be told I would not be terribly surprised if my father or uncle were in the hospital but that is not the case.

All I know is that I hate October. Last year at this time Kuro and I were in Sam's Town in Tunica when I got the call that my grandmother was dying (for real this time). When we got back to the ANTA I did a quick turn and did the drive down. It was the same sort of situation where I get down here and it's time to behave like everything is normal until it's time to drive to the hospital.

The difference is this time it's my mother. She isn't here to press food on me and pressure me about work and my love life. It's not another in the long series of grandma's many brushes with death. Ninety-six is a grand old age, but my mom is only sixty-five. Grandma didn't have her bypass until she was eighty-five, so my mom is getting hers twenty years early.

I guess I'm going to soldier on and pretend nothing is happening. I'm not going to be like my sister and freak out and start throwing things. Does that mean I have a better leash on my emotions? I doubt it. Is my way healthy? I doubt it. I'll just save my emotion for when I see my mother on the morrow. Medical science is amazing these days. I just have to hope for the best. Hell, mom is the healthy one.

Perhaps this will have the same effect on me as when I got a call from the police about Lito. That curbed my drinking a good bit. Maybe this will make me take another look at my mortality and pull a Surf and really lose some weight. Hell, at twenty five I quit smoking. I guess I could go for the brass ring and try to be "healthy" by thirty.

I doubt it. But who knows? Sometimes you have to do the rational thing.

Is it going widdershins?

2007-10-17T18:49:00.000-04:00

Is this dancer going clockwise or counter clockwise? I usually see it clockwise, as does most of my office, but it did go counter clockwise on about the fifth viewing.

PETA can suck my balls.

2007-10-16T18:26:00.000-04:00

Well, after five years of trekking up to rural South Carolina with my dad and his cohorts I have finally gotten my buck. It isn't the biggest deer I've ever seen, but it is the biggest deer I've ever seen through my scope. It is the biggest deer I've ever seen alive (albeit for 45 seconds) in real life.

Five years ago my father asked me to go up to South Carolina on a father and son hunting trip with his friends and their kids. I agreed, more out of desire to make my father happy and to get to spend some quality time with him. So, I take a couple days off work in late September and drive the five and half hours to South Cackalackey.

I get up there about 1600 on a Friday and everbody else got there on the previous morning. Most everybody else has already gotten a deer on the trip. It is immediately time to go climb into a tree stand with my father. I'm nervous, not wanting to make any noise or tip off the deer in any way that there are humans about.

After about 45 minutes of sweating and smacking mosquitoes (btw, invest in a Thermocell if you are going hunting) two deer approach the corn pile a hundred yards away. My heart pounding I reach for my ungainly 6.5x.55 Swedish Mauser that still has it's original stock from when it was manufactured for WWI. I peer through the scope (the mounting of which completely ruins the value of the rifle from a collector's standpoint) and take aim on the closest deer.

"Take the shot!" urges my father. I try and stay calm and control my breathing. I fire and chamber another round. Before the bolt slams back down the deer is on the ground, having run about 7 yards after the shot. I'm shaking while I thumb on the safety and put the rifle in the corner.

We climb out of the stand and make our convoluted way from the fire break to the corn pile across a ditch. I approach the first mammal that I've ever killed (fish don't count bitches) and I'm strangely calm. The rush has passed. It turns out the deer that I killed was a "spike", or an immature male with two horns that point pretty much straight back.

I was too excited and didn't see the horns from the angle that I had before taking the shot. This is frowned upon at the hunt club that we use. Males are supposed to have an eight point rack that spreads outside the ears. My father also didn't spot the horns and I got caught up in his excitement.

I promised myself that the next male I shot would be a buck that could be mounted. I would not shoot any button bucks, spikes, cowhorns, or any point under eight. Over the intervening years I got my fair share of does, but never saw a "legal" buck. I would not say I caught the hunting bug, but I do enjoy it. I learned little tricks that make the entire trip fun.

I learned that morning hunts are cold and night hunts are hot, so layer your clothing accordingly. I learned that a good paperback book makes a great companion in a tree stand. This year I learned that an iPod with a couple audiobooks can replace a paperback.

I learned that when a group of middle aged men are in charge of cooking their own food there will be nary a green vegetable in sight and pork is a food group unto itself (separated into fat, cooking fat, and meat). I learned how difficult it is to properly undertand the South Carolinian accent.

I learned that no breakfast meat can really stand up to fresh country sausage. I learned that naps are your friend if you get up two hours before dawn. I learned that no matter how old a man gets he will still feed his urges toward pyromania.

I learned that if somebody asks me if I could eat a cheeseburger while looking at a cow it would be easy as I skinned a deer with a pork chop in my mouth. I learned that they take the Lord's Day very seriously in the country by closing the Country Store and frowning on hunting on Sunday.

So, this year when my father indicates that it is most likely the last time he will be going hunting it was the end of an era. He wonders what a 65 year old man in not the best shape is doing climbing 20 feet into the air on a narrow metal ladder. He already has his trophy bucks that are mounted.

This trip had been successful in the department of seeing deer. We had already killed eight and processed the carcasses. The biggest buck of the trip was a seven pointer with a small rack. The night hunt on Saturday was the last one of the trip, and the only reason to shoot was if you saw decent buck.

I hadn't been skunked that trip by gotting a doe Saturday morning at the Mr. Dairy stand (all the different stands on the 1200 acre property have names). So when I was climbing up into Miss Rosie's that night I was really hoping for a buck. This was possibly my last chance to get one.

I had wished the same wish and had the same hopes for the past five years, so I really was surprised when after an hour and a half I saw antlers. He came out of the woods passing behind trees. I counted four points on one side and five on the other! This was my chance.

He was crossing behind the corn pile and I'm not sure if he was going to stop. The .308 I was using had been having trouble chambering rounds, so I needed to make the first shot a good one. So I did. Of course I have no trouble chambering the next round and have the bolt back in place as he is running back into the woods, but he doesn't make it far and the point is moot.

Needless to say, my father was pleased. I didn't shoot the animal to make him happy, but it is a nice bonus. It was also nice to get the only real buck on the trip. I will be mounting this nine point buck. I'm not sure where on my wall it will go, but I'm sure I can find a place. I'll be calling Jimmy Ray in a couple months to see when I can pick it up.

Of course, the most important thing that hunting has taught me is that come the revolution, alien invasion, or zombie apocalypse I will be ready to kill.

Ape Report, Day 1

2007-09-26T10:04:00.001-04:00

Made it out to the Pokercats Arena last night. Since I'm always the last person there and people start leaving almost as soon as I show up I'm throwing chips around like a madman. I lose a couple buy ins, but it is to be expected in that high variance game (especially when you go all in knowing you are beat drawing to a 4 outer, lol).

No, that wasn't what put me on tilt last night. I had fun and saw some friends then went out to Manny's for a nice meal afterward.

What put me on tilt was a hand once I got home. I had three tables open, and was just basically paying my blinds and not paying for showdowns on two while chipping up steadily on the third.

On the third table the person on my right had a 4x stack. He was constantly berating other players while not exactly playing that well. I just want to get a little of that stack. We're in middle and he makes a standard (for him) 6xBB raise, and I RR a redonkulous amount to isolate with KK. He calls and I fly over the flop. He checks, and I'm all in. He calls and has the other two Kings. The difference is that he gets there with a runner runner flush.

Okay Ape, what do I do? That's right. I shut it down.

Obey the Ape!

2007-09-25T11:19:00.000-04:00

I'm creating a new set of guidelines for myself.

The Obey the Ape program is a way to keep me from playing poorly online.

Had too many beers? Obey the Ape, don't play.
Feel like I'm not playing optimally? Obey the Ape, don't play.
Take a bad beat and start to target a toaster? Obey the Ape, don't play.
Feel like playing just to be doing something? Obey the Ape, don't play.
Be emotionally invested in a sports game on the telly? Obey the Ape, don't play.

There are many more rules, but the fact remains that there is only one thing that is important. Obey the Ape, it's the law.

Shicking Fut.

2007-09-10T19:46:00.000-04:00

Well, it finally happened. My computer is dead. My only regret is I never pulled off my pictures. They are stuck on that laptop's hard drive until I figure a way to somehow get them off. I guess I need to grab my trusty butter knife and hack the fucker open and take the hard drive to somebody who knows what they are doing. Eh, fuck it.

The real injustice here is the circumstances surrounding the death of Krustie teh Komputar. Gnome and I had been talking on Saturday about how awesome it was that CFB was back in the house and how Saturdays are great again. We were both having bacon for breakfast and watching CFB (despite the 6 hour time difference).

So he brought to semi-fruition an idea that I had about five years ago. The perfect breakfast which would be baconwhiskey (or whiskeybacon). He did a shot of whiskey during his wakeup/breakfast cycle of the morning and expounded about how well it wakes one up in conjunction with football and bacon.

So, later in the day I decide to make some more bacon. BTW, to everybody out there who still pan fries bacon, you are a tard. The best bacon is made in the oven, either using the broiler or on a rack over a pan. It is easy and a cinch to clean, not to mention the best tasting. You also don't have to stand over it and risk grease burns, you just toss it in and forget it until you smell bacony goodness.

Anyhoo, I'm making some more bacon and strike upon the idea of a picture of whiskey bacon. I pull the bacon out and arrange it artfully on a plate. I cut a piece in half and insert half into the shot glass full of Redbreast 12 year and then lay the other half over the top. I take a couple pictures for posterity and blogging purposes.

Later that day when it comes time to upload the pics my computer won't turn on. I guess I should have seen it coming. I'd been meaning to move all my other pics onto my iPod but had just been too lazy. This is the price I pay (plus the price of a new computer).

--

In other news my boys Rambled over Samford 69-14. And it wasn't even as close as the score suggested. I think about 73 different players got PT and the first string was pulled after the first period. This could be a good year for the Yellow Jackets. I don't see anybody on the schedule we should lose to, especially in the new ACC.

Now, I'm not going to say we won't lose. I've seen this team too many times to ever make that prediction. Taylor Bennett hasn't been really tested and proved himself. We were only 2 for 11 on 3rd down on Saturday (though 5 for 5 on 4th). The defense will be strong and Deuce will get his yards on the ground, but I still have no faith in our ability to pass.

We'll play our first quality opponent on Saturday and finally get a look at how good this team is. I would put a bet on it, but my fucking computer is broken and I won't log onto a gambling site from my work computer. We need to come out and put a hurtin' on BC like me on a Bacon Bacon & Bacon sandwich.

--

Work is completely suck now. One month ago I had a management team on the PM side I could depend on. Three weeks ago my best guy transferred. Two weeks ago another one bolted. Then, last week my last veteran PM manager got sick of the bullshit and quit. I'm left with an AM manager who was just coming over to the PM to fill in for the first guy who transferred.

Now, my job is to babysit adults (figuratively). I have to remind 120 people how to do their jobs correctly on a daily basis. 45 of those people are PM primary, and therefore my major concern (my children). I have to be the bad babysitter and sometimes demand they eat their brussell sprouts before watching TV. I have to be the bad guy quite often, and so I have a certain way I deal with my kids.

This is now going to be harder because I don't know which parent (manager) to go to so I can ensure discipline for when the kids get in fights, or do not respect me. I cannot administer corporal punishment and have always had to rely on the "wait until your father hears about this" method of discipline. Now I'm left with a "who's your daddy" situation.

Of course, most of them are good kids. It is just going to be trying without some strong leadership at the helm. Fuckin A, these next few months are going to suck. It is going to take forever to fill these manager slots and even longer to whip said managers into shape. Going into the busiest time of the year no less. Feh, fuck it. It's just a paycheck (and a 401k, and a pension, and full benefits, but I digress).

At least I got a good quote of the day:

Me: Time to grab some coffee.
D: There's no coffee breaks in [our department]!
Me: Yeah, there's just lulls in time between getting kicked in the junk.

Humping the shark

2007-09-05T22:10:00.000-04:00

While shopping for necessities as Target today (soap, q-tips, beef jerky)I finally pulled the trigger. I have previously mentioned my little obsession with Bruce Campbell on this page, and it snuck up and bit me today. I went ahead and bought some of that Old Spice Body Spray.

I'm coming back from picking up my 16 pack of Irish Spring with Micro Scrubbing Fuckers (tm) when I spot it out of the corner of my eye. I had been joking about it for a while and when I saw the on sale demarcation it was all over. Thirty two cents off motherfuckers! Now I can afford that 5 pack of Wrigley's in the checkout aisle!

There is only one choice left to me now. I had thought they would have just had Old Spice scent, but it appears the company acquiesced to the demands from the mouthbreathing public for newfangled laboratory created olfactory assaults like Aqua Reef and Douchey Meadow.

Now, I am nothing if not old school so I went for Original Scent. I figured that woman are always looking for a father figure, so I could one up that shit with trying to be a grandfather figure. I have the scent (and I don't mean the mothball, death, and hard candy scent so reminiscent of some of our pappy's later years) so all I need now is a cardigan. You know what they say, "Bitches love cardigans." Mr. Rogers must have been pulling more tail than the toilet seat at the Ex-lax quality control department.

I could go on here about getting a lawn to shoo people off of, smoking a pipe, having sex with grandmothers, but let's not beat a dead horse. Back in my day bloggers knew when to abandon a joke.

--

In other news, LB has gotten a kitten. He is all black and seems to inherited Loki's personality. I have suggested two names that she just won't accept and I can't think why. Who wouldn't want to name their cat Mastodon Kitteh or Cthulu?

Bacon is life.

2007-09-05T19:09:00.001-04:00

I just can't stop laughing about this.

Trip Report 2: Actual Facts

2007-08-31T13:35:00.001-04:00

Well, I've gone back over my play on this past weekend, and it wasn't quite a harbl kicking. I just slowly bled off chips with hands that refused to hit. I wouldn't call pot size bets drawing to gutshots that inevitably hit.

I ran AA into the mighty T6o that turned a straight. My Hiltons were no match for a rivered flush with A5. My flopped flush couldn't take down a runner runner boat (I did have him on his hand, but had to pay off 1/5th pot on river).

The only good news is I never felted. I never went broke with one pair. I couldn't hit hands and was able to let go when I had the worst of it. The play of other players was horrible.

The complete disregard for positional play. The idea that small (minuscule even) pocket pairs are raising hands. The concept that second pair is golden (this got me into trouble with my AA v T6 hand because the T6 guy had felted 2 times in the previous orbit calling and raising all the way down with second pair both times).

Without cards there is only so much you can do. Over time these games are very beatable. I was feeling sick the first half of the trip and not really playing my best poker. I still have trouble remembering that there is no way a station can find the fold button.

This is not to say it was not a fun trip. It was a good capstone to my vacation week. I ate well and had some good times. I learned how to play Pai Gow (for a profit no less!).

I even won a hand with the hammer. I was at a fairly solid table and raised from the SB when it was 5 handed. I didn't expect two of the limpers to come along with me. Flop was Q22 and that was the end of the story. Dude in the CO thinks about calling my bet and then folds 44 face up. I flash my hammer and we all share a laugh.

There were some pretty good quotes as well. Kuro and I always stop in Alabama for some BBQ on the way out. There is this local place Jim Deerman's BBQ (It's Pig Pickin' Good) that is our usual stop. We both order the platter that consists of pulled pork, pulled beef, ribs, chicken, texas toast, and two sides (onion rings and fries of course).

They forgot my order and I had to remind them while Kuro is sitting there trying to be polite and not wolf down his plate. Neither of us had breakfast and the aroma was tantalizing. I finally reminded them of my order and got it. What a feast! I recommend everything but the chicken with fake grill marks.

Then it got ugly. I couldn't finish my platter, but Kuro had The Hunger. We had both noticed the pie selection when ordering the meal. Particularly tempting were the Caramel Somethingorother and the Lemon Icebox. I don't know how he had the gustitudinal fortitude to even order, much less eat it. But when we were walking out he let loose the prophetic "A pie too far" statement. He was fit to pop and had half the road trip yet to drive.

The entire trip was punctuated with harbl references. Kuro thought I had been saying "horrible" so everything was about harbl/horrible (e.g. horrible soup). Hey, don't judge us! You'll find almost anything funny if you are on the road for 6 hours.

Passing through Alabama we found that Wesley's Boobie Trap was back in business after being replaced by an "arcade". Some of you may remember the Trap from an earlier post (I'm not going to bother to learn how to link to my own posts) and I am so glad it is back with us. Another notable location we found was the Nut Hut. Pictures of both with be forthcoming.

We later stopped at the Mississipi visitor center for the free Coke they offer to visitors to their state. The sign outside proclaimed that they had "The warmest reception in the South." Kuro remarked (after a latrine visit) that what they had was "The coolest shitters in the South."

However, the funniest thing on the trip happened at a 1/2NL table at the Strike. I'm in the 5s and there is a middle aged lady in the 2s. I will relate the conversation as I heard it.

Lady: "I was very disappointed in the gift shop. They are supposed to carry every thing you need and be in the service industry. I went there looking for hos. Would you believe that they don't have hos there?!"

Table: ".........."

Lady: "I mean, they are trying to cater to an upscale crowd and people need their hos."

At this point the dealer and I just stare at each other for a minute as a cloud of silence descends upon the whole table. I raise my eyebrow and he just shakes his head.

Lady: "I'm supposed to go out with my husband tonight, and I can't do that without hos. They are supposed to have everything you need. They don't have any pantyhose or nylons or anything else like it."

And of course at this point the table breathes a collective sigh of relief. The cute girl and her husband who are both dealers from out of state start chattering again. The dealer looks like he has stared into the abyss and saw something wave back and then recovers his composure and it is game on.

Well, that's the highlights of the trip. Or at least how I remember them. The only real difference between then and now is Loki was deharbled today. No kitteh hos for him.

All I know is that people need their hos.

Tunica Trip Report 1: Kicked In The Harbls.

2007-08-26T19:38:00.000-04:00

If'n you don't know what a harbl is let me elucidate your punk ass.

Well, that about explains what happened to me on this trip. The only set I hit was against Kuro, who folded to my raise. It was all downhill from there.

The good news is i got some good quotes and I will relate those to you later. For now, it is my birthday and I'm gonna have a drink.

Been meaning to post this...

2007-08-22T16:39:00.000-04:00

I was going to post this with some tilt related material but whatever. I finally got around to downloading the Hawai'i pics from my camera and wanted to put it up. It would have been up sooner but the ex stole my camera's data cable. I just got around to going to Wolf and getting a quasi replacement today.

It's amazing how much time I have on my hands not having to work and all. Next stop, Tunica!

On the other hand....

2007-08-20T17:29:00.000-04:00

Turns out the Birthday Bluffing Bash will have to be rescheduled. Kuro and I will be jetting off to beautiful, cosmopolitan Tunica to put the beat down on some fish.

I like the birthday gambling trips. The first big ANTA crew gambling outing occurred on my birthday a few years back. I made quads twice on that trip, and won $50 just for sitting in the correct seat during a drawing (on the actual b-day).

We met crazy motherfuckers like Gypsy and I learned that 1-4-8-8 was not my game. My game has improved exponentially from where I was then but I still treasure that experience.

I ate at a Sonic for the first time and Gnome got to finally go to a Hooters. I think all of us judged our game to be a lot different (read: thought we were better than we were) than it actually was. Everybody lost money on that trip if I remember correctly. However, it provided a good base for expanding our games out of home game/online parameters.

Now it is time for me to put what I learned to work. I believe Kuro got us rooms at the Strike so I look forward to not sleeping for a weekend while pouring down good beats on scrutable locals and daytrippers from my employer's central location. If all else fails, it may be time to pull out some bad beats of my own.

Of course this means the FISHRABOT tourney has been postponed a week. I should have constructed a tabletopper for my dinner table by then. The felt has already been purchased and I went to Home Depot today to look at what kind of material to wrap it around. It will either be hardboard (think pegboard without the pegholes) or a kind of foam.

I'll need to purchase a jigsaw, but I would probably need one of those anyway. I will also need a staplegun, but that is also one of those things that men need to purchase at a certain point in their life.

So I'm going to sit back and enjoy my vacation until we leave on Friday. My agenda for the week up until then is to renew my CDL and work on Operation How The Fuck To Build A Tabletopper. Oh yeah, and drink. So if you're in my hood sometime this week give me a ring and buy me a beer.

It's my birthday and I'll bluff if I want to

2007-08-14T19:23:00.000-04:00

Alright fuckers, here we go. It's that time again, I've got just over a year until I turn 30 and want to celebrate. So I'm proposing a tourney at my house on Saturday the 25th of August (B-day is the 26th).

Now, I know you're asking yourself "How do I fit in? I'm just a regular mouthbreather. What could the great and powerful Sham want from me?"

It's quite simple really. I just want you to show up and have a good time. Get a designated driver so at least some of you can really party. And y'all need to decide what kind of tourney it will be. HORSE or FISHRABOT.

If you are not familiar, or did not read the comments on the last post FISHRABOT is quite simple. It is Five card draw, Indian holdem, 7 Stud, Holdem, Razz, Omaha hi, Badugi, O8, Deuce to Seven Triple Draw.

Gnome didn't make it through the first round when we had a HU tourney in February, further proving that live poker played on an airplane is rigged.

Anyhoo, I'm thinking between $10 and $20 buy in with rebuys up to the first break, and an add on. I'm not good at tourney formats being a cash game player, so I'm open to suggestion on that front. Votes for format go in the comments please.

--

Well, back to congrats on the second ITPC (In Town Poker Challenge or Inside the Perimeter Cockfight, you decide). Thanks to BrianMc and Main Event Mike to making it out. Hopefully Surf and Kuro can make it to my Birthday Bluffing Bash.

I had fun even if nobody else did. I know now what Fuel means when he says that flopped straights never win. I had 6c7c in late and the limped flop comes 5h8c9c.

So I have a flopped straight with an open ended straight flush draw. How could I possibly win this hand? I minraise the flop. Turn is the 6h. Fuck, what to do. Oh, I know. Overbet that fucker. Of course you call. River is the 7h. Damn, nice counterfeit. I go from nut straight to playing the board. Of course I lose to TT. And yes, I do know the many ways I misplayed that hand.

Eh, it was nice to be up 4.5 buy ins, but I'll take being up 2 buy ins. It's still better than losing. MEM was the big winner and both Doug and Da Bruiser cashed out up and left early.

--

Oh, and if anybody is interested, on the day of the blessed even itself there will be a pub crawl in my neighborhood. Unless you object to drinking on the Lord's Day and then we could do it late Friday. Or you can just all donk of your money to me and we can hit the bars on Saturday. Whatever, I'm game.

P.S. Official email invite will be crafted sometime this week.

Does your faghole burn?

2007-08-12T17:56:00.000-04:00

Thanks to everybody who made it out last night, especially y'all that live OTP. New words were created (e.g. faghole) and much silliness was had by all. Full post will follow sometime this week.

The weekend after next is my birthday and I'm thinking about a tourney. Either HORSE or FISHRABOT tourney. Email me if you are interested, I'm thinking either $15 or $20 buy in.

Well, I have run to the bar to hang out with some of my old coworkers. Later, bitches!

P.S. Does it mean somebody is talking about it if your faghole burns?

Jah, what great fuckery is this?

2007-08-11T12:49:00.000-04:00

I guess I only have myself to blame. I'm the one who stayed up late last night. I'm the one who put myself on the Saturday rotation. I'm the one who likes to drink.

I stayed up until about 0400 last night watching tv and then reading. I had a few beers and then chased those down with a few whiskey drinks. I knew I had to be at work at 0900, as evidenced by my alarm going off at 0750.

Of course, the kicker was I woke up on the couch. I often sleep on the couch for a variety of reasons. In the old apartment it was usually because I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night and then crashed on the couch rather than walking the 10 extra feet to my bed to go back to full sleep.

These days the main reason I sleep on the couch is that the AC doesn't work in my bedroom. I have some kick ass fans going in there but it is still warm air they are pushing around. So I often sleep on the couch for a few hours and then quasisomnambulate to my bedroom for the rest of my REM shift.

But, because I only slept for four hours I never moved on to Phase two of the sleep plan. I wake up disoriented (though nice and cool) and try to find the source of my auditory irritation. Needless to say I am not happy to be awake.

I grab twenty more minutes of sweet oblivion then carry out my ablutions and get my roll on. Groggy, a little hung over, and just generally pissed to have to come to work. The only consolation is that Saturdays are straight up gravy and just me dicking around in the intarweb all day. Easy, right?

Nope, Jah is pissed at me. I am supposed to get schedules for all my stations on Saturday. Out of those six stations, I'll settle for schedules on four and fly the others two by the seat of my pants. There is only one schedule waiting for me. Great, now I spend 30 minutes tracking down MODs trying to get something they get emails about every goddamn week.

Then, I spend another 45 minutes trying to track down all the employees who haven't signed on to make sure they are doing their goddamn jobs. Then the phone calls and messages start. Shit, dude, I only cover this part of the world one Saturday a month, how the fuck am I supposed to know intricate details about Eastanollee, Georgia. I didn't even know that fucking city existed before today.

What grand fuckery is this? It's like every little thing that could go wrong is. Well, except for the first Saturday I worked when one of my employees got arrested, but that's another story.

So I'm just pissed off at the world and yawning every 10 minutes. I'm actually having cold flashes and shivering at one point. I begin to regret hosting a game tonight because all I want to do after work is go home and have a nap. While walking through the dark hallway to the breakroom I close my eyes and almost fall asleep on my feet (actually did that once at Philmont after being on trail for 5 days).

I guess there is only one path before me. Red Bull to the rescue. I still have to go to Trader Joe's, the liquor store, and pick up some folding chairs before the game. I wanted to go by a Comcast location to change out my fucked up cable box (yes, Comcast and I are feuding again) but will not have time. I was going to look into going to a fabric store and just buying a roll of felt so there wouldn't be the sound of chips bouncing off my dining room table, but fuck that. I'm going to nap.

Satan willing, I'll be ready to host tonight. Be warned, I will be playing horribly and might have enough karma worked up to suck out every hand. I'm thinking about drinkin Old Fashioneds all night (with a few Jagers thrown in of course) and will be extra surly. Consider yourself notified, bitches.

Running Well

2007-08-06T19:24:00.000-04:00

It was a weird weekend poker wise. As Kuro noted, I got a little frustrated at the home game at Crookshank's place on Friday night. Heavy drinking coupled with bad beats equals Sham tirade.

I eventually just gave up in favor of sleep. I think I dropped a total of 5 buy ins. Eh, I know it's just a fin apiece but it's a grand annoyance getting in with the best of it and seeing the suckout come. Enough times will tilt me, and I need to work on my tilt avoidance, but I would rather just win than work on that.

So I do nothing all day Saturday except lounge around and polish off the last Harry Potter. I really didn't want to drive up to the middle of fucking nowhere to go to Josh's game. Fuck, he lives past CC (though not by much)!

But I am saved from the ignomy of driving by Kuro, and LB wants me to take some cupcakes up there. She is thinking about getting into the cupcake for hire biz and wants feedback on some recipes.

As I'm waiting for Kuro holding a cupcake carrier a drunk couple (God, I hope they were drunk) comes out of Urban Teahaus and notice me. Drunk guy yells "Hey! Cakeman! I wanna go where he's goin'! Hey, limo and cake man! I want some cake!" Kuro pulls up during the middle of this and I put the cupcake holder in the back seat and climb in the front while trying to ignore a drunken would be cake hijacker. I'm still wondering where the limo comment came from.

Anyhoo, after a quick dinner at Chipoople we're off north of town. It is a bit of a haul to get up there, but I guess if I expect people to come to my part of town I should go to theirs. And there are cupcakes to be eaten once we arrive!

So Josh's house is pretty much like I expect, and Kuro described the mood pretty well. I remember how to play against stations and the results are far better than the night before (it helps that my hands held up).

I pushed with quad dueces in and O8 hand knowing that I would be quartered, I just wanted to show down quads. I made most of my money in another O8 hand with a nut straight and second nut low for three quarters of the pot on a 4 way all in. The game breaks when Bibb is out of buy ins. I'm up two buy ins and feeling good.

When I get home I don't feel done for the day. The last time I played online was when the Braves lost to the Astros on Thursday. In accordance with the rules governing the performance of the Braves and the health of my bankroll I took a small hit that day. But on Saturday Huddy pitched a hell of a game and I was feeling it.

It's probably about 0100 and I fire up Bodog and pour myself a drink. I see some completely donktastic play and just can't leave. There was a four way minraise/call/minraise fest until three of the four were all in preflop (he dropped out two minraises before all in!). The monsters they turn over are A3s, QQ, ATo. Justice is served when the Queens hold up and now I have a tripled up donk on my right.

This is the norm for play at NL10 and the tables are hopping. When a table gets short I look at the stack sizes and if it is just a couple of shorties left I bounce. I stay at my original table all night while jumping around a couple others. There is not much left in my liquor cabinet so I am drinking Jager and Sprite, which was suprisingly good.

Next thing I know it is almost 0500 and I cash out all the tables and head to bed. I made about 10 buy ins (about a quarter of my online BR) and feel jubilant. Of course, I am useless all Sunday and get very little done.

I try and see the Simpsons movie, but the AC in the theatre is broken and I'm not sitting in a greenhouse for 87 minutes. Then I try and rent the Reno 911 movie from Videodrome. I go home and put a new kitchen shelving unit together then throw in the disc. Turns out it is the disc for Reno 911's first season!

I walk back over to Videodrome to find out somebody pulled a switcheroo on them. They disc isn't even one of theirs (they have a little plastic thing with their logo in the middle and it wasn't on it)! Movieblocked again!

I end up watching the second season of Spaced. If you haven't seen it I recommend it. If you liked Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz it is the BBC series they did before that.

If you are hoping this post would contain wisdom or humor you lose. Just an example of how little I do most weekends. That being said, game at my house on Saturday so be there motherfuckers. I will provide the usual:

1. Decent beer
2. A far larger quantity of cheap beer
3. Jager, Jager, Jager
4. Pretzel chips
5. An opportunity to be scratched by my SatanCat
6. As much two buck chuck as you can stomach
7. Anything else that looks good at Trader Joe's
8. Your choice from an assortment of communicable diseases
9. Did I mention the Jager?

zombie....meme....continues

2007-07-31T19:25:00.001-04:00

Sham no goood at image posting type stuff. Hope this worked. Oh, and check out that site. It is teh funny.

Heh

2007-07-29T02:16:00.000-04:00

My fave quote tonight occured while talking to LB.

"Apparently blogger's spellcheck doesn't recognize 'cuntlicking pigfucker'!"

A prize will be awarded to the first person to show me an unmodified spellcheck that doesn't reject that phrase.

Rhymes with orange jumpsuit

2007-07-29T01:44:00.001-04:00

OK. I'm going to fucking kill somebody. A little while ago O left a comment on here with a link to a reddit link about the best scifi writers of this decade. AKA, something a wee bit up my alley (O knows my addictions well).

So I print out that page and do a Borders (or B&N, truly I can't tell them apart and give false directions based on that) run. I grab a few novels by authors that I had not yet sampled (and the new Richard Morgan piece Thirteen that was fucking excellent) and think I'm set.

Fast forward a couple weeks. I read what was extant on my current list and Thirteen then jump into the new stuff. First on the list is Peter F. Hamilton's Pandora's Star. Don't get me wrong, it is good. It is so fucking good that I'm so fucking pissed I have to buy the sequel. I've been reading this motherfucker for over a week and checking out how few pages I have left lately and saying "yeah, I can see a way to wrap this up in 100 (then 70, then 40, then 20) pages."

So imagine my fucking surprise today when I finally finish the fucker to find out I have to buy another book! I know I will enjoy the fucking goddamn cuntlicking pigfucker of a book but am pissed.

Why? I am sooooo glad you asked. First off, I prefer my books that are part of a series to state so on the cover. If you put "Bestselling Author of......." please also drop "Part Motherfucking I" on the shit.

Segundo, it is 0145. I'm into this fucking story and there is no legal way for me to continue reading it. There is no way for me to get closure. BTW, don't get me started on that great bloody gurgling queef James Clavell. I love his books (W00T King Rat is teh fucking shit) but the way he ends a story makes me want to go Federal (two steps above postal).

Quick side note. Another of the new SF authors (China Mieville) can't close a story worth a damn. Dude writes pretty well but can't close. I joked earlier today that he would be better off going Clavell on his stories. More fun facts: he also wrote a novel entitled King Rat and that is how I discovered his work.

Whatever. I'm done now. On to the props....

Thanks to everybody who made it out my place tonight. It was good to have a game here. Hopefully we will have enough people to do it again in the future. Maybe next time it will not be a last minute affair and I can coax George and Brian into the city for some hammer dropping.

For those who did make it, I can promise in the future to have more delicious snacks and Jager. Hell, I might even get some Red Bull for bombs again. Shit, if I think ahead enough I will make some venison stew for eatage.

Until then I will leave you with the words of my dear, departed Granny "later bitches!"